I have a lot of issues, both physical and psychological. I have a number of conditions that mean I am in constant agonising pain. I seriously cannot remember the last time I wasn’t in pain. My conditions cause other physical problems too. I have a full time carer as a result.
My psychological issues cause an awful lot of problems for me. I am agoraphobic, extremely anxious, I panic all the time, have serious paranoia, I have trust issues, PTSD, depression, type 1 bipolar and a butt load of other phobias.
Every day I face a battle to put a smile on my face. I wish with all my heart that I could be one of the amazingly brave people who can do that. But I’m not. I’m one of the broken ones with no strength left. But I try for my family. Because they deserve it.
People ask me how I am. If I tell the truth and say, “I feel like shit. I’m in agony and I can’t stop crying because I feel so worthless”, I get called a miserable bitch and told to cheer up. Or even worse then that… the people who asked me will go behind my back to other friends and say, “what’s the matter with her? She is just a moaning, miserable cow!”
Well yes I am. I can’t help it. If you were in my shoes, you would be too. So please, don’t ask me how I am if you can’t handle the answer.