Don’t ask me how I am if you’re not prepared for the answer.

I have a lot of issues, both physical and psychological. I have a number of conditions that mean I am in constant agonising pain. I seriously cannot remember the last time I wasn’t in pain. My conditions cause other physical problems too. I have a full time carer as a result.

My psychological issues cause an awful lot of problems for me. I am agoraphobic, extremely anxious, I panic all the time, have serious paranoia, I have trust issues, PTSD, depression, type 1 bipolar and a butt load of other phobias.

Every day I face a battle to put a smile on my face. I wish with all my heart that I could be one of the amazingly brave people who can do that. But I’m not. I’m one of the broken ones with no strength left. But I try for my family. Because they deserve it.

People ask me how I am. If I tell the truth and say, “I feel like shit. I’m in agony and I can’t stop crying because I feel so worthless”, I get called a miserable bitch and told to cheer up. Or even worse then that… the people who asked me will go behind my back to other friends and say, “what’s the matter with her? She is just a moaning, miserable cow!”

Well yes I am. I can’t help it. If you were in my shoes, you would be too. So please, don’t ask me how I am if you can’t handle the answer.

I don’t get it… No, really, I don’t.

What is wrong with society today? I realise that I am somewhat of a Luddite when it comes to changing attitudes within society, but seriously… I just don’t get what is wrong with people today. 

I am 41 years old now. I remember growing up and having to talk to my elders with respect. I had to ask if it was OK to leave the table after a meal. I had to say please and thank you when asking for things. If I was rude or cheeky then I would be in a world of trouble. I was taught to be kind to people and treat them in a way that I would like to be treated. That’s the way that I am trying to raise my children. Yet I’m stunned how many are not…

My kids had a friend of theirs over to stay that the night. When we were having dinner, the lad got up to get a drink. Not a problem, I was happy for him to have one, but I asked him to return to the table and ask first. He looked at me like I had just asked him something hideous. “Oh” he says, “I don’t have to do,anything silly like that at home.” What the actual fuck? Since when did manners become silly? Jaysus, I’m not that smegging old!

When did attitudes to manners, kindness and consideration crumble in to dust and disappear the way that they did? What happened to turn us into a bunch of mean spirited, fucking rude and inconsiderate pricks? The way celebrities get slagged off for example. The people who say those foul things, they would be horrified if these things were said about their parents, siblings, family and friends. So what gives them the right to talk about other people like shit? Who do they think they are to criticise in the way that they do? Fucking stop it! Try and look inside your hearts, just for a second (if you even give a shit that is) and imagine what it would feel like to be talked about in such a way.

Why do people feel that they have the right to be so foul and personal?

Like I said at the start… I don’t get it…