I see through you, you son of a bitch…

So tonight my man shape gets a call. A telephone call from out of the blue. His darling mother (who sees me as the nasty little pagan with tattoos and piercings.) played a nasty trick tonight.

She called MY number (not his) which indicates that she wants me to know and wants to cause me maximum distress.

She makes some small talk about his brother who has had a biopsy taken of a nasal growth. Then moved to “Guess what? Your estranged son who hasn’t even sent you a fucking birthday card in ten years. No birthday, no Father’s Day, no Christmas. No fuck all!!!

They are estranged through thr fault of his ex-wife. She has kept them poisoned for all this time. So granny dearest has to stick her snout in and cause all this stress.

My kid aren’t his blood, but they give him gifts and cards every Yule, birthday, Father’s Day any other day!!!

Now it looks like they are going to be swept aside. Well fuck that.

Chronic illness, panic and exhaustion…

I’m seriously exhausted. My eyes keep on closing of their own volition and my mind aches with tiredness.

I’m also caught in the middle of being the most worried that I have ever been. Someone that I love with all my heart and soul is suddenly ill and I’m terrified. This person is my soulmate and my world. The thought that there may be something wrong with them is filling my soul with dark, sick anxiety that is destroying me from the inside. I wish it was me and not them.

My pain has been really bad today and my kneecap dislocated this morning so I have roboleg (my leg brace) on. I don’t care about my pain today. I only care about the one I love being OK.

Please, let them be OK.

Having “that” conversation with your child…

The birds and the bees. There comes a time when you realise that you have to do the “talk”. You notice that you have a child with a serious girlfriend. They are both almost 16 and seem very serious about each other.

So you sit your child down and as you start to try and approach the subject, he announces to you that yes they have and yes they used protection.

I was fighting two emotions. Pride because his was clever enough to use protection and nausea because I really didn’t want to think about him having sex. Not one bit. It was one of those moments where you stick your fingers in your ears and sing Lalalalalala!

However, this brings me on to the important part of the talk. I told him he must never have sex without protection as I am NOT ready to be a granny yet, no siree, I am not! I’ve purchased a box of condoms for him and I’ve told him when he needs more to ask me. I’ve also told him never do it outside. The thought of them up some disgusting urine soaked back alley full of broken glass and used needles makes me recoil in horror it really does.

So I’ve told him that if they’re going to do it, then they either go to her house or they come here.

I’ve also given him the boring part of the speach about the legal age of consent. I realise by purchasing condoms and giving them a place to go is encouraging them to break the law, but if one takes the attitude that they are going to do it anyway, I am just doing my best to help them.

The funniest part of the conversation was the dawning horror in his eyes when he realised that his aged, crippled mother got upto everything that he had just been telling me about! 😂

Emotional blackmail is just wrong, wrong, wrong…

Any form of emotional blackmail is morally bankrupt and the lowest of the low in terms of behaviour. It’s plain wrong!

Just how can it be ok to reduce another human being to tears with your words and threats? How can you think it is ok to tell another person that they are fat and ugly and will never cope without you? Or that you will kill yourself if a person does not come back to you after a break up?

Emotional blackmail is basically a system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors. Not ok!!!

In a nutshell, emotional blackmail is a psychological-emotional ransom note that says, “if you don’t do what I want then I will make you hurt”.
In order for emotional blackmail to occur there must be four things present – a demand, a threat, a blackmailer and a victim.
The Demand – Emotional blackmailers demand something the victim does not want to give, in an attempt to gain the upper hand where there are conflicting interests or wants.
In general the blackmailer is usually asking for something which the victim regards as unreasonable and which the blackmailer believes they can get – if they apply enough pressure. For this reason emotional blackmail patterns are often cyclical – with both the blackmailer and the victim learning over time what level of demand will be tolerated without retribution and what degree of blackmail it takes for the victim to comply.
The Threat – The blackmailer may threaten to hurt the victim directly, or more commonly threaten to hurt something or someone the victim cares about. This could take the form of damaging or destroying their reputation, an object, an agreement, a relationship or a trust. Blackmailers may also threaten to hurt themselves to pressure a victim into compliance.
The Blackmailer – Although an emotional blackmailer is fighting for control over their victim, they often have little control over themselves. They may feel desperate inside and justify their actions as a means to an end of soothing their own desperate internal pain. In some cases, an emotional blackmailer may not always realize the extent of the hurt they are inflicting on their victim (and ultimately on themselves). They may not be able or willing to “snap out of it” and change their behavior.
The Victim – In order for emotional blackmail to work there has to be a willing victim – a person who is willing to sacrifice their principles, values, goals and boundaries to “keep the peace”, “turn the other cheek” and give in to the demands. Victims are often bridge builders – people who have compassion or pity on the blackmailer and are willing to go the extra mile for them. Victims may have low self-esteem of their own and be generally afraid to stand up for their own ideas and principles. They are caught in a vicious cycle as each time they yield something important to the abuser they suffer a loss of their own self-esteem and begin to feel more powerless, hopeless and trapped in their situation.
What it looks like
“If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.”

“If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself.”

“I’ve already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree that you are being unreasonable.”

“I’m taking this vacation – with or without you.”

“Your family hates me. How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?”

“You’ve ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself.”

“I took the money because you always put yourself first and don’t seem to care about my needs.”

What NOT to do:

reward emotional blackmail demands or attempts.

Don’t stay in a situation where there is a threat or an action of violence towards yourself or others.

Don’t allow yourself to be blamed for somebody else’s bad behaviors or poor personal choices.

What TO do:

characteristic of emotional blackmail and understand that to give in to the demands of a blackmailer will only make the situation worse.

Recognize that no-one who truly loves you will threaten you with harm or expect you to act against your own best interests.

Recognize that the emotional blackmailer is not like you and is unlikely to respond well to reason, arguments or attempts at counter-manipulation.

Work on your own personal boundaries and be willing to defend them.

Remove one of the four components of emotional blackmail – the blackmailer, the victim (you) the threat or the demand. Since you can’t control the other person that usually means you have to detach yourself enough to protect yourself, your children and the resources and relationships that are precious to you. Then allow the blackmailer back in only to the extent that they cannot threaten or destroy what matters to you most.

Call the authorities if there are any threats or actions of violence.

I’ve been through this for years and so have some very dear friends of mine. The scars we bear are very deep. PTSD is my shadow. But it is possible to escape. To come out of the darkness and stand in the sunlight. To be you.x

Angry…

I’ve just read a blog post about a woman who is having problems at work. Woe is her, she’s worried about losing her job.

People are replying to the email and are being oh so sympathetic. Just one thing… A while ago, she was screwing a married man. This has led to her having issues at work. Her boss’s wife was good friends with the wife of the guy she was screwing. This girl thinks the wife is worried she might start screwing her husband. YA THINK??? I have ZERO sympathy here. Zero!!!

I have no sympathy at all for women who screw married men. I saw my mum ripped apart by my so called ‘father’s’ infidelity. I suffered because of my ex’s infidelity. I loathe women who screw married men.

You want to avoid problems at work? Then next time keep your legs shut unless the target of your affection is not already spoken for! Simple yes?

Rant over.

Yes – I’m an introvert…

I have always found it difficult to cope in the company of other people. Ever since I was a little girl. I was happier to be off climbing trees and playing than in a big gang of girls.

My psychiatrist tells me that my introvert qualities are as a result of the years of abuse that I went through. At the hands of both my ‘father’ and my ex husband. They both abused and belittled me so much that I wanted to disappear inside myself.

With my ‘father’ it was so difficult to accept. The physical abuse he put me through is something that no farther should ever do to his daughter. I’m not able to talk about the physical aspects of what happened. I cannot bring the words up out of my mouth. I try and the words get stuck in my throat. I just cannot speak. The verbal abuse is easier to talk about. He would call me a half breed because of my Scots accent, and tell me that the only reason I was raised in Scotland was that I was too stupid to be raised in England. I would be told I was fat, spotty, ugly and useless. I would break my heart and cry every single night. Why was I never good enough for him? It stained my soul.

Then after my wonderful mum died in 1988, I was kicked out of the house at aged 16 to fend for myself. I swam to the bottom of a vodka bottle for three years, only surfacing for long enough to swallow pills or cut my arm with one of many razors.

I met my ex at 19. There was six months of amazing times and all of a sudden, like a drop of coloured ink spreading through a glass of water, the insults spread through my soul. I was stupid, ugly, fat… I was told I should stay indoors because nobody would want to see my face. I believed him. I’ve been free for almost 11 years and I still believe him. 😦

So my anxiety and agoraphobia coalesced into this giant ball of self loathing. As time has gone by, I have become more and more introverted. I hate answering the phone, I refuse to answer the door unless I am expecting you and I’m terrified of people in general. Only my own company truly soothes me now. 😦

What does blogging do for you…

No, really… what does it do for you? I started blogging a couple of years ago, and at first I was very sporadic with my posts. Yet every now and again, I would feel the urge to log in and post something only to loose the urge again.

Then I started to get the urge to post more frequently. I found that I was really enjoying the creative process involved in crafting some words into a blog piece that hopefully at least one piece that one person will enjoy.

I adore writing. Whether it is typing on my blog, writing in my diary or crafting a snail mail letter to a penpal, the simple act of taking the words and shaping them into meaningful sentences that inform or give comfort, or creating food for thought gives me so much pleasure.

It helps me to clears my head and relax. Whether or not lots of people read my words, I feel so much better for having written them all down.

Words are incredible, they truly are. They have so much power and also beauty.

Please do feel free to comment and I’d love it if you shared this piece so I can hear from lots of people. Thank you! 🙂

Wrung out…

Dispair is creeping up inside my chest and curling it’s fetid fingers around my throat. I’m fighting the urge to cry, but the needles of tears are pricking the back of my eyelids like a thousand needle sharp teeth.

I try so hard to be a good person and a good mother. My kids are my absolute world. But they are both autistic and have special needs. I do everything by myself. But my youngest has just snapped at me. Violently snapped. I had a flashback to being beaten by his father. It was horrific. I’m now feeling cold, hot and terror filled. He is downstairs and ignoring me. He has retreated into his autistic shell. A part of me is so envious. I would give anything not to feel right now.

My thoughts are so dark right now. Why does everything I touch turn to shit? Why am I such a failure? Why can’t I have friends? I’m so toxic that every single person that I meet ends up melting away from me like butter.

I’ve fought so hard for so long that I have nothing left. I’m wrung out…

I can’t let it out…

It boils inside me. The feelings won’t leave me be. They are rolling through my mind and taunting me with their sticky black painful intent. Why? Why won’t my mind let me be? Why can’t I be free of these feelings?

The worst part? I feel fucking selfish for having them. Just as I am about to let my feelings out, I notice that one of the people I know has also posted about her emotional pain. I cannot be selfish. No way. I cannot let out the way that I feel now. It isn’t right. It isn’t fair.

So I have no choice but to pack it down, as always, and just let the blackness eat away at what is left of my soul.