Our Mental Illnesses Are NOT Your Cute Personality Quirks…

Seriously people. The next time that I hear”Oh I must tidy up, I’m so OCD today” or “Oh she’s up one minute and down the next – she’s so bipolar!” I am going to stuff my walking stick right up that person’s asshole and turn them into a fucking lollipop. I swear I am.

Listen up people. Suffering from mental illness is no triviality and neither is it a fucking joke. I have struggles with several mental health issues, OCD and bipolar being two of them, so it really does set my teeth on edge when I hear someone coming out with an off the cuff, totally fucking moronic comment like that.

When we said we wanted mental health disorders to be spoken about more, we didn’t mean for you to appropriate them into your everyday conversations.

Lately (and unfortunately), it is becoming something of the norm that mental health disorders find their way into everyday discussions, and not in the way we’d like them to. I can’t count on my hand how many times I’ve heard someone who’s had a minor inconvenience or mishap go on to complain about how ‘depressed’ they are. Not only is it infuriating, but it’s hurtful.

For those diagnosed with depression, you’ll know it’s not something that suddenly happens after something goes wrong, or you’ve had a ‘bad day.’ It’s a constant state, you’re trapped in it, and it is definitely not something that can be used as an adjective.

No, Sarah, just because your boyfriend hasn’t texted back in three hours, doesn’t mean you’re not depressed.

You are upset, sad, down, blue (see ‘unhappy‘ in the thesaurus for more synonyms) but you are certainly not depressed.

However by comparing your sadness to a mental health disorder, what you’ve done is silence the kid three seats down from you who’s been dealing with this disorder for months, who’s struggling to wake up every morning, who’s on medication just to get them through the day.

You’re comparing a moment of sadness in your life, to a lifetime of theirs.

But it’s not just depression that is used as an adjective, it’s next to all mental health disorders. I remember sitting in class once whilst a group of teenage boys were stalking a girl’s Instagram page. They reached a picture of her where she looked skinny, slim, and thin, and all they could think to say was, “Wow, she’s so anorexic!” I was thinking to myself, “Really? Out of all the words to call her, you had to relate it back to a mental health disorder?”

The list goes on; calling someone who organizes their work neatly on a table ‘OCD’, calling someone who’s mood has changed from the last time you saw them ‘bipolar’, not getting a good nights sleep and complaining that you must have ‘insomnia.’ They are not adjectives, they are our real mental health disorders that real people face. We have not come forward about them for you to simply misdiagnose yourself after one incident.

So next time you feel the need to compare your sad moment. tidying of your room or unexpected mood swing to a mental health disorder, open a thesaurus. There are plenty of synonyms; use a different one.


Best Buy ever… and talk about poo…

Now then. I’m going to talk about something that, if you are chronically ill, can be a huge part of your life. Pooing. Yes…. poo. Lots of people don’t like to talk about it but it is one thing that needs to be talked about.

Taking a poo is something that healthy people don’t think about. It’s a normal, everyday function and you just get on and do it whenever you have to.

However, when your health starts to change and your body becomes affected by chronic illness, that can change dramatically. It can change as a result of your illness or as a result of your medication. If you are especially unlucky it can be as a result of both.

I have severe IBS but my Fibromyalgia also affects my bowel function. I am either hugely constipated or permanently on the toilet because of almost torrential diarrhoea. The other thing that affects me is my medication. As I have a number of illnesses that require strong pain medication, I am even more constipated than I usually get. When I do go, it’s like pooing pebbles. Rock hard and hugely painful.

Then I watched a review of something called the “Squatty Potty” by a lady called Antonella the Uncensored Reviewer. The woman is fabulous but very blunt and NSFW or not safe around young children. She does product reviews of all kinds of stuff, but it was the Squatty Potty that caught my attention due to my issues.

I hunted around to find out a few more facts about how it actually works.

The idea of squatting to poo is nothing remarkably new, and many cultures across the world have public restrooms with squatter instead of toilets. It’s hard to deny that it’s a cleaner way to go as far as sharing a toilet with someone, but there are also several key benefits to squatting vs. sitting that just make sense.

It’s also easy to see that this is the way that our species was designed to relieve ourselves, and that the only reason we stopped going that way is because the use of a sitting toilet became widespread in the west. Aboriginal people all over the world go in this manner, and unless you train a young one to use a sitting toilet their natural inclination will be to squat.

In the squatting position, gravity does most of the work. The weight of the torso presses against the thighs and naturally compresses the colon. Gentle pressure from the diaphragm supplements the force of gravity.

Squatting relaxes the puborectalis muscle, allowing the anorectal angle to straighten and the bowel to empty completely.

Squatting lifts the sigmoid colon to unlock the “kink” at the entrance to the rectum. This kink also helps prevent incontinence, by taking some of the pressure off the puborectalis muscle.

The colon is equipped with an inlet valve (the ileocecal valve) and an outlet valve (the puborectalis muscle). Squatting simultaneously closes the inlet valve, to keep the small intestine clean, and opens the outlet valve, to allow wastes to pass freely. The sitting position defeats the purpose of both valves, making elimination difficult and incomplete, and soiling the small intestine.

Sure, the first time that I mounted the royal throne and sat with my knees up around my ears I felt very bloody odd. I can’t lie either. It did put my lower back in a painful position. But I was willing to suck that up in order to potentially have a proper poo. Which I did!!! Woohoo!!! Yay for me I was so happy!

Do you buy the squatty potty? Shop around on Amazon. I found one that was much cheaper than the original squatty potty and it does exactly the same job. Also, if you go for the squatty potty, you have to do measuring of the toilet. None of that involved with the one that I chose. It was a damn sight cheaper than the squatty potty as well.

Should you think about this? Absolutely! Once you get over the weird way you are sitting, you “go” much more comfortably and no angry thrutching and groaning is needed. A highly recommended product! 10/10!

Be kind to each other!x

How to feel fresh when your pain is so bad you could scream…

If you are a Spoonie, otherwise known as a sufferer of an invisible, chronic illness then what I’m about to say will make an awful lot of sense to you. If you are a relative/carer of somebody with an invisible or chronic illness then this may well make an awful lot of sense to you too.

There are days (like today for me) where clothes become an intolerable pressure on your skin and the friction is just too much to bear. I just can’t stand the feeling. I have hyperaesthesia which basically means extreme sensitivity of the skin. On days when it is really bad, I can’t stand to wear clothes at all. Most days I’m able to tolerate light cotton but nothing heavy, fleecy or woolly. Yet days like today? Nekkid is all I can tolerate.

The inability to wear clothes some days is amplified when my pain is bad. On those days, even my bedding is too much and I can’t stand it. So on cold days I have to go without blankets or sheets. Luckily for me, I love the cold weather so being cold really does not bother me at all.

There is one big problem when you feel this ill. There are some days where you simply do not even have the strength to stand at the sink for longer than 2-3 minutes. This makes maintaining your own hygiene very difficult indeed. I need help anyway. I am unable to lift my arms to brush my hair and I’m unable to reach from side to side of my body to wash properly, hence why I need a carer. Yet there are some days when (like today) I can’t even tolerate the feel of a flannel on my skin. It’s just too much.

If you have similar problems to mine, then I have a few suggestions that might help to make your day a little bit nicer. After all, hygiene is a vital part of feeling good about yourself so the more that can be done to help you the better. If your pain and general symptoms really are making you feel that shitty, then hopefully these suggestions will help you.

The first thing that I used to do in the morning, when I was able to maintain my own hygiene, and was working, was to wash my face. This product still allows me to do that. They are called Wake Up Wipes. They are brilliant value at just £1 a pack and really do make your face feel refreshed and bright to face the day. They contain cucumber extract and feel great on your skin. They can be found here:


Next up comes your mouth. There is nothing worse than morning dog breath and when you cannot make it to the sink to stand and brush your own teeth, it really does not make you feel very nice about yourself at all. I’ve discovered these little disposable toothbrushes on days when standing at the bathroom sink is not an option. They are called Colgate Wisp Max Fresh single use toothbrushes. They are really handy. Of cosier, brush your teeth when you can, but these little buggers are awesome on days that you just can’t. You can also use listerine strips which are great breath fresheners…


Then there is the issue of maintaining your personal hygiene which can be a huge issue. If you are unable to wash, you feel smelly and generally very low. Being able to give yourself a quick wash, even if it is with wipes, it really does lift your mood. There are several brands of bed bath wipes. Shop around as you can find them quite cheaply if you try.

There is also the issue of feminine hygiene. I use Femfresh wipes for that. They can be found anywhere and are probably cheaper online if you look.

Lush’s Silky Underwear dusting powder helps absorb sweat and smooth your skin while the essential oils and herbs work to knock out the effects of bacteria. The Silky Underwear powder has a light jasmine fragrance and contains grated cocoa butter to help it melt onto your skin, creating a silky sensation. I love it!

If you can’t wash at at, a little surgical spirit on a cotton wool pad will remove body odour before you put on deodorant.

Witch hazel is a great way to cleanse your skin and it helps to cool the skin when overheated.

I also buy all my skin care from Lush, but since I discovered and fell in love with the marvellous Antonella The uncensored reviewer :

https://youtu.be/W7m4_6BD8cQ (Just one of her many awesome videos. BE WARNED: NSFW and definitely NOT FIT FOR CHILDREN!)

I will most definitely be trialling some of the skin care that she recommends.

There are other things like dry shampoo – I use the Batiste tropical one, but because my hair goes all the way down to my ass, one can doesn’t last me long!

Well I hope that this blog piece helps you, even if it is just to give advice to a relative. That’s all for now.

Be kind to each other.x

Misophonia – The Hatred of Sound…

So, what is this weird assed sounding condition that you’ve never heard of before? Misophonia literally translates as “hatred of sound”. It really is a horrible thing to suffer from and the impact of suffering from it can only be truly understood by another sufferer of the condition. It truly can be a nightmare to live with.

However, a person with misophonia does not simply hate all sound. People with misophonia have specific symptoms and triggers and are sensitive to only certain sounds and occasionally to visual triggers. Any sound can become a problem to a person with misophonia but many are some kind of background noise. People call the collection of sounds that they’re sensitive to their trigger set. It is possible to add to one’s trigger set over time. Exposure to a trigger sound elicits an immediate negative emotional response from a person with sound sensitivities. The response can range from moderate discomfort or annoyance to full-fledged rage and panic. Fight or flight reactions can occur. During a trigger event, a person may become agitated, defensive or offensive, distance themselves from the trigger, or act out in some manner.

I first began to realise that something was “wrong” with my hearing my hearing when I remember being so infuriated by the sound of my ‘father’s’ chewing that I could have quite cheerfully have gouged out his eyes with a rusty spoon. I very quickly came to realise that eating/chewing sounds from anyone would begin to infuriate me so much to the point where I literally have to leave before high fiving them. In the face. With a chair. It gets to me that point where calmness is not an issue and I have to back away from the sound.

I have been lain awake being tortured by the sound of my own heart beating. Obviously it is a good thing to know that your heart is beating. But I’ve been thrashing around for several hours, trying in vain to escape the sound. Imagine being filled with an irrational hatred of that sound, or of pretty much any sound? Hearing people breathing/snoring literally makes me want to slap them with a wet kipper.

The one sound above all others that fills me with utter rage is whistling. The sound seems to find it’s way right down into the middle of my brain and stay there. Hearing someone whistle really does fill me with murderous rage. I’ve had to say “either you shut up or one of us leaves the room”. My hatred of the sound of it is so bad. Other sounds also affect me. Cracking fingers & knuckles, making noises with lips, tongue and cheeks and people pronouncing words the wrong way on purpose like “horsey worsey”. Aaaaaaaargh! Baby talk also drives me crazy!

The sound of fingernails scraping down a chalkboard is unpleasant to many people.

But this is a very mild example of what people with misophonia experience when exposed to a trigger sound. It lacks the intensity a misophonia sufferer experiences and doesn’t have a strong negative emotional component. Not liking something, even if very strongly, is unlikely to cause a person to feel like lashing out at the source of the offending sound. Also, it is unlikely to produce an actual fight or flight reflex. The people closest to the person with misophonia often elicit the most problematic triggers. This can make personal relationships difficult and stressful. An environment known to include trigger sounds can limit social activities because the person with misophonia anticipates problems. Consequently, a person with misophonia can pull back from family and friends in an attempt to reduce the symptoms that they experience when triggered.

People with misophonia are aware that the sounds that trigger them don’t bother other people.

A person with misophonia does not always have any control over their work environment. A coworker munching on food may be too distracting or even produce a full-fledged panic attack. An environment that will not or cannot accommodate the needs of a sound sensitive person can result in anxiety for the person with misophonia. It may also challenge supervisory staff. At times, the sound environment can be enough of a problem to make keeping the job intolerable. A school environment can be similar; having a long-term negative impact if it interferes with the ability to learn or socialize. When exposed to a trigger sound, some people feel the need to mimic what they hear. Mimicry is an automatic, non-conscious social phenomenon. It can have a calming effect and make the situation feel better to the person experiencing stress. There is a biological basis for how mimicry lessens adverse reactions to triggers because it evokes compassion and empathy.


Those with misophonia can be reluctant to share their symptoms and triggers.

To them, sharing can have uncertain outcomes. Sometimes, people purposefully mock those with sound sensitivities. Also, they may make exaggerated trigger sounds in order to intentionally cause distress. Unfortunately, some family, friends, co-workers, and others minimize the problem. A person with misophonia is sometimes told: “try to ignore that sound,” or “you’re just being difficult,” or “don’t let it get to you.” Suggestions like these are not helpful. It is not simply a matter of making a conscious decision. People with misophonia cannot ignore their triggers any more than a person with epilepsy can will themselves not to have seizures. On the other hand, there are those who are supportive and offer encouragement. Anyone with a problem or difficulty appreciates a helping hand now and then. If you know someone with misophonia and want to help them cope with the disorder, all you need to do is ask what you can do to help.

List of Common Triggers:

Please note, some say that reading about triggers has the potential to make one take on new triggers. This is only true for some people and is not universally experienced by all people. Also, some people avoid hearing or imagining sample trigger sounds for the same reason. If you think that learning about new trigger sounds could in any way be a problem for you, then there’s no need to read the lists below.

Mouth and Eating: “ahhs” after drinking, burping, chewing, crunching (ice or other hard food), gulping, gum chewing and popping, kissing sounds, nail biting, silverware scraping teeth or a plate, slurping, sipping, licking, smacking, spitting, sucking (ice, etc.), swallowing, talking with food in mouth, tooth brushing, flossing, tooth sucking, lip smacking, wet mouth sounds, grinding teeth, throat clearing and jaw clicking.

Breathing/Nasal: grunting, groaning, screaming, loud or soft breathing, sniffling, snorting, snoring, sneezing, loud or soft talking, raspy voices, congested breathing, hiccups, yawning, nose whistling and wheezing.

Vocal: humming, muffled talking, nasally voices, overused words such as um or ah (repeated words), sibilant sounds (S, P, T, CH, K, B sounds), singing, gravelly voices, bad singing, soft whisper-like voices and whistling.

Environmental: clicking from texting, keyboard/mouse, TV remote, pen clicking, writing sounds, papers rustling/ripping, ticking clocks, texting and cell phone ringtone.

Utensils/metals: dishes clattering, fork scraping teeth, silverware hitting plates or other silverware and rattling change in pockets.

Plastic: water bottle squeezing/crinkling, breaking hard plastic and bouncing balls.

Wrappers: plastic bags crinkling/rustling, plastic bags opening or being rubbed and crinkling food packages.

Cars: sitting idling for long periods of time, beep when car is locked, car doors slamming, keys banging against steering column and turn signal clicking.

Heavy equipment: lawnmowers, leaf blower, air conditioners and chain saws.

Impact sounds: other people’s voices, muffled bass music or TV through walls, doors/windows being slammed and basketball thumps.

Animal noises: dogs barking, bird sounds, crickets, frogs, dogs or cats licking, drinking, slurping, eating, whining, dogs scratching themselves and trying to bite their fleas and claws tapping.

Baby: Baby crying, babbling, adults using baby talk and kids yelling.

TV: loud TV or radio. Body Movement related: Foot shuffling (dry feet on floor/carpet) or tapping, finger snapping, foot dragging, heels, flip flops, knuckle/joint cracking, eye blinking, nail biting and clipping, eating, chewing, fidgeting, hair twirling, movements out of the corner of eyes, repetitive foot or body movements, jaw chewing/movement.

I can honestly say at some stage or another in my life I have come very close to causing serious damage all because of one of any of these noises. This is why I wear noise cancelling headphones and simply listen to Classic FM.

So if you have never been officially diagnosed with misophonia but what I have talked about sounds like a clip from your own life, then feel free to leave a comment and we can chat. Misophonia sufferers are not alone.

Why the sound of chewing drives you crazy… no, really!

Fibro… It f**cking hurts… think about it!

Fibromyalgia is becoming more prevalent and we see more and more people diagnosed with the condition every single day. Before I continue on with this piece, I need to point out – so f**king what if a person happens to be famous? It doesn’t change the fact life is going to be utterly shit for a long time for them now. Perhaps for the rest of their life. There’s not a single day where we can’t think, “Oh poor Lady Gaga has got fibro.” because the press tell us that’s how we have to think. Well I couldn’t give a shit. I’m too busy thinking about myself and the other thousands of spoonies (to be explained later) around the world. People bang on about how brave Lady Gaga is for moving with all that pain. Well fucking bully for her. What about me and the thousands like me who can barely move. Because we are not favoured by a screen career or we are not singers our heroic efforts really do become nothing. We become nothing and our struggles are nothing.

Then comes the fact that we achieve things and they are not even acknowledged by our significant others. That, for me really does sting. Then he wonders why he gets a short, sharp fuck off when he develops spaghetti arms later that same day.

Our loved ones can try to be as caring and understanding as possible and they can either crack being understanding and wonderful or they can do nothing but blunder heard first into an enormous pile of caca with all the style, grace and tact of a fucking woolly mammoth. It’s true, it really is!

Should you, like me, enjoy trying to flog a dead horse, you can of course try to bring some semblance of knowledge to said almost dead horse in a vain attempt to make these people gain a little more understanding and to not speak to you with all the tact and decorum of a 20 pound lump hammer!

Seriously the way that I’ve been spoken to by both friends and complete strangers in the past? They have been experiences that I can liken to being slapped across the face with a three week old mouldy kipper.

Now many people that decide that their infinite wisdom presents them with a plethora of little nuggets of wisdom all of which they can and will bestow upon us with monotonous regularity.

Some of those nuggets can be found in the article below.

What not to say to someone with Fibro…

Y’know guys, the next person to say that they are going to pray for me is heading for a swift kick between the legs – male or female, it gets the point across nicely.

There are so many comments that are so downright hurtful but people don’t even realise that they are hurting you. They honestly think that they are being kind and supportive. Well guess what buddy? You’re not.

People don’t understand just how draining having a chronic illness like Fibro is. The energy that even just brushing your teeth can drain from you. A lovely lady called Christine Miserandino devised something called the spoon theory, which helped to explain to significant others/family/friends just how debilitating it can be. You can read about it here:

The Spoon Theory

It’s such a simple way to describe what we go through every single day, but my gosh does it ever get the point across. This explains my use of the word “Spoonies” before. This is what many chronic illness warriors will call each other. It’s who we are.

But people need to understand that there are days, many of them in fact, where I cannot remain stood for more than 30 seconds to a minute without dropping to my knees in pain. Days like this mean standing in the bathroom and caring for my basic hygiene impossible. Even on a good day, I cannot brush my own hair as my shoulders won’t go up that high. Nor can I wash myself or put on my own clothes without help. It’s soul destroying to not be able to do that it really is.

May 12th is international Fibro day, and I will be writing more posts about it before then. I’m so sorry if the tone of this post has come across as hostile or aggressive at all. All I’m aiming to do is promote an awareness of the disease and help explain the things that make make a Spoonie a little bit cranky.

Thank you for reading.

Be kind to each other.x

Unboxing my February ’18 Blurt Foundation Buddy Box (subscription box)…

My box arrived yesterday and was wrapped in plastic, which was a little bit of a downer as I couldn’t neatly open it to repurpose it. There was a tear in the corner of the bag. Looking suspiciously like someone had tried to peak inside. However, as the boxes are plain brown apart from some gold lettering and pictures on the lid, it wasn’t possible to see what was in the box. Whoever peeked probably thought, “Dirty cow’s been buying sex toys!” 😜😜😜 However in all seriousness I would like to see some recyclable/biodegradable outer packaging. That would be nice.

Why do I have a Blurt Buddy Box? Quite simple really. It’s my friend Jenna’s fault. Yup. Blame squarely at her door, on her shoulders, however you want to say it. Hahaha, just kidding. Love you dude!

So who are Blurt?

Well, quite simply put, Blurt are like a big cuddle you can get on the internet when you feel like your black dog is snapping at your heels. Whether you are newly diagnosed with depression or have known for a long time, we all occasionally need help. Blurt are here to give that help.

What are Buddy Boxes?

Buddy Boxes are a subscription box service that exist to bring some self care and happiness through your letter box once a month. They also help The Blurt Foundation raise much needed funds to continue its hugely important work. They cost £21.50 a month and postage is free within the UK. They do ship internationally but I’m not sure about costs. They do a Buddy Box which has five items and a Buddy Box Lite which has three. Obviously the Lite box is much cheaper.

I stress at this point in my post that I was not provided to me for free. I received a box from a very kind friend who has bought me a subscription for my birthday.

What’s on the box?

As I mentioned before, the box is a sturdy looking plain brown postage box (fnarr fnarr) and the top of the box is embossed with two gold llamas and the words Buddy Box.

(See what I mean? Sorry my camera just wouldn’t take this picture any better.)

What’s in the box?

I gave said box a jolly good sniff before I took the lid off. There was a definite smell to it but I couldn’t quite make my mind up what that smell was.

February’s box theme was “You’re the llamas pyjamas”.

As the box lid came off, the smell became much more noticeable and distinct. Not an unpleasant smell but not the nicest smell ever. (My favourites being cinnamon, ginger, and patchouli). The box was covered inside with white paper with black llamas drawn on it and was quite cute. Both the gift box and the llama paper could be repurposed so huge brownie points awarded there for sure.

As I peeled back the llama paper, there were two postcards sitting on the top of the contents. The first one was an orange one detailing the contents of the box (which I deliberately avoided looking at so I didn’t spoil my surprise). The other one was blue, with llamas on, along with the words “You’re the llama’s pyjamas”. It’s blank on the back, so that one can be kept in a collection or sent to someone to cheer them up.

Then I located the source of the smell. The stronger it got, the more unpleasant it got. It turned out to be a “fortifying green bath lotion” from MOA. The scents were peppermint, fennel and fir needle. The only smell out of those three that I like is fir needle. I loathe the smell of fennel especially as it smells like aniseed. However I’m not sad about it. You can’t like everything in every box every time right?

Next comes a llama keying craft kit that you can make yourself. It’s super cute!!! However as I have physical conditions that restrict my hand movement, my partner in Buddy Box crime, Jenna, has very kindly volunteered to make the llama keyring for me. She can have my bath lotion as a thank you for that. Strange girl… she likes aniseed.

Next comes a small sachet from “Conscious Water” which is a water enhancer. It has a hint of lychee rose flavour. It’s a tiny sachet, only 5mls but it does flavour your water. The taste isn’t unpleasant, but I don’t think that I would buy it again.

Then my absolute favourite part of the box. A pack of three llama’s pyjamas stickers! They are a decent size too so can decorate drawers, walls, folders, whatever you choose. I am a sucker for stickers I am!

Then we come to the fabulous book. It is called Believe in Yourself and is full of affirmations and things to boost your self esteem. I love it. Sat and read it though with a cuppa. Going to keep it next to my bed so that I can read it when I’m panicking. It’s invaluable.

Just some random page examples.

Finally we have the little “Blurt zine” that has uplifting things in it. It’s only four pages at A6 size so don’t expect it to be huge.

This is the first subscription box that I have ever had and on the whole, I loved it! I loved the whole experience of opening it up and finding the treasures within! OK, I didn’t like the bath lotion. Big whoop. I’m exchanging that in order to get help to have my cute little llama made for me (thank you Jenna!). We can’t expect to like everything, every time as I said. I loved this and cannot wait for March’s Blurt Buddy Box to arrive so I can tell you all about it. Take care and love yourselves people!x

Tiptoeing around chronic physical/mental health issues and pain…

Seriously. Enough already! People need to stop tiptoeing around these issues. I am quite open about the fact that I have severe physical health issues and also mental health issues. I’m very lucky to have a small, close knit group of friends who understand what I am going through because they, like me, have seen the film and got the t-shirt. They really help to keep me from losing it.

I can talk to them. Every single day we can talk about what ails us. We can talk about our pain safe in the knowledge that someone is going to be there to hold us up and give us the love and support that we need at any given time. With our mental health issues too. We can talk about our bogeymen and our demons without anyone judging or laughing at us.

Yet if we talk about any of those things outside of our group, then eyes get rolled and people tut. We are accused of moaning and complaining. We are told that we should suck it up and suffer in silence. People who do not understand will tiptoe around these issues and expect us to bury our complaints and tiptoe around the illness and it’s symptoms. Well hell no!!!

Enough already. People can bitch to the world that they have a cold and how ill they feel. Yet we must suffer in silence and on top of that, also sugar coat what we say so that it’s palatable for other people to swallow.

Enough. We should not have to hide how we suffer just to make other people feel better. Like now. I’ll tell you that it feels like all my muscles are wrapped in barbed wire and each and every one of my nerves feels like they have been dipped in acid. To cap it off it feels like little men with crowbars are trying to prise open my joints and I have a pride of lions chewing in my lumbar spine. That’s pretty much every day for me.

Oh, lets talk about the elephant in the room – mental health. I have just about clawed my way back from being on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I’m thinking about things and I feel so physically sick that my mind is fractured and shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. Paranoia haunts me. I feel like I’m a useless fat lump. I hate myself. PTSD from a lifetime of abuse from the two men who should have loved and protected me more than any others. That rages in my mind. Bipolar type 1 also rules me. But I have to fight as hard as I can. They will not beat me. Those men took my innocence but they will not take my life.

So anyone with chronic health issues, hear me. Be loud and proud. You don’t have to sugar coat how you feel to make other people feel better!

Chronic illness, panic and exhaustion…

I’m seriously exhausted. My eyes keep on closing of their own volition and my mind aches with tiredness.

I’m also caught in the middle of being the most worried that I have ever been. Someone that I love with all my heart and soul is suddenly ill and I’m terrified. This person is my soulmate and my world. The thought that there may be something wrong with them is filling my soul with dark, sick anxiety that is destroying me from the inside. I wish it was me and not them.

My pain has been really bad today and my kneecap dislocated this morning so I have roboleg (my leg brace) on. I don’t care about my pain today. I only care about the one I love being OK.

Please, let them be OK.

Having “that” conversation with your child…

The birds and the bees. There comes a time when you realise that you have to do the “talk”. You notice that you have a child with a serious girlfriend. They are both almost 16 and seem very serious about each other.

So you sit your child down and as you start to try and approach the subject, he announces to you that yes they have and yes they used protection.

I was fighting two emotions. Pride because his was clever enough to use protection and nausea because I really didn’t want to think about him having sex. Not one bit. It was one of those moments where you stick your fingers in your ears and sing Lalalalalala!

However, this brings me on to the important part of the talk. I told him he must never have sex without protection as I am NOT ready to be a granny yet, no siree, I am not! I’ve purchased a box of condoms for him and I’ve told him when he needs more to ask me. I’ve also told him never do it outside. The thought of them up some disgusting urine soaked back alley full of broken glass and used needles makes me recoil in horror it really does.

So I’ve told him that if they’re going to do it, then they either go to her house or they come here.

I’ve also given him the boring part of the speach about the legal age of consent. I realise by purchasing condoms and giving them a place to go is encouraging them to break the law, but if one takes the attitude that they are going to do it anyway, I am just doing my best to help them.

The funniest part of the conversation was the dawning horror in his eyes when he realised that his aged, crippled mother got upto everything that he had just been telling me about! 😂

Emotional blackmail is just wrong, wrong, wrong…

Any form of emotional blackmail is morally bankrupt and the lowest of the low in terms of behaviour. It’s plain wrong!

Just how can it be ok to reduce another human being to tears with your words and threats? How can you think it is ok to tell another person that they are fat and ugly and will never cope without you? Or that you will kill yourself if a person does not come back to you after a break up?

Emotional blackmail is basically a system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors. Not ok!!!

In a nutshell, emotional blackmail is a psychological-emotional ransom note that says, “if you don’t do what I want then I will make you hurt”.
In order for emotional blackmail to occur there must be four things present – a demand, a threat, a blackmailer and a victim.
The Demand – Emotional blackmailers demand something the victim does not want to give, in an attempt to gain the upper hand where there are conflicting interests or wants.
In general the blackmailer is usually asking for something which the victim regards as unreasonable and which the blackmailer believes they can get – if they apply enough pressure. For this reason emotional blackmail patterns are often cyclical – with both the blackmailer and the victim learning over time what level of demand will be tolerated without retribution and what degree of blackmail it takes for the victim to comply.
The Threat – The blackmailer may threaten to hurt the victim directly, or more commonly threaten to hurt something or someone the victim cares about. This could take the form of damaging or destroying their reputation, an object, an agreement, a relationship or a trust. Blackmailers may also threaten to hurt themselves to pressure a victim into compliance.
The Blackmailer – Although an emotional blackmailer is fighting for control over their victim, they often have little control over themselves. They may feel desperate inside and justify their actions as a means to an end of soothing their own desperate internal pain. In some cases, an emotional blackmailer may not always realize the extent of the hurt they are inflicting on their victim (and ultimately on themselves). They may not be able or willing to “snap out of it” and change their behavior.
The Victim – In order for emotional blackmail to work there has to be a willing victim – a person who is willing to sacrifice their principles, values, goals and boundaries to “keep the peace”, “turn the other cheek” and give in to the demands. Victims are often bridge builders – people who have compassion or pity on the blackmailer and are willing to go the extra mile for them. Victims may have low self-esteem of their own and be generally afraid to stand up for their own ideas and principles. They are caught in a vicious cycle as each time they yield something important to the abuser they suffer a loss of their own self-esteem and begin to feel more powerless, hopeless and trapped in their situation.
What it looks like
“If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.”

“If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself.”

“I’ve already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree that you are being unreasonable.”

“I’m taking this vacation – with or without you.”

“Your family hates me. How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?”

“You’ve ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself.”

“I took the money because you always put yourself first and don’t seem to care about my needs.”

What NOT to do:

reward emotional blackmail demands or attempts.

Don’t stay in a situation where there is a threat or an action of violence towards yourself or others.

Don’t allow yourself to be blamed for somebody else’s bad behaviors or poor personal choices.

What TO do:

characteristic of emotional blackmail and understand that to give in to the demands of a blackmailer will only make the situation worse.

Recognize that no-one who truly loves you will threaten you with harm or expect you to act against your own best interests.

Recognize that the emotional blackmailer is not like you and is unlikely to respond well to reason, arguments or attempts at counter-manipulation.

Work on your own personal boundaries and be willing to defend them.

Remove one of the four components of emotional blackmail – the blackmailer, the victim (you) the threat or the demand. Since you can’t control the other person that usually means you have to detach yourself enough to protect yourself, your children and the resources and relationships that are precious to you. Then allow the blackmailer back in only to the extent that they cannot threaten or destroy what matters to you most.

Call the authorities if there are any threats or actions of violence.

I’ve been through this for years and so have some very dear friends of mine. The scars we bear are very deep. PTSD is my shadow. But it is possible to escape. To come out of the darkness and stand in the sunlight. To be you.x