Having a crisis…

This is the only way that I can describe what is happening to me. My physical health is not great ( big shock, not!) and as a result, my mental health seems to have plummeted down as well.

I was just fine yesterday. I felt really positive. I made a post on FB, saying how I refused to be guilty anymore for people turning against me and that none of it is my fault. I was strong and I was positive.

But oh no… the bitch that lives inside my head couldn’t possibly let me be. She couldn’t even let me have a night’s peace. As I lay in bed, I put on my headphones to listen to some relaxing music. Most nights it drowns out the bitch in my head. Not last night. She was whispering and howling intermittently and I started to feel physically sick. I saw faces from my past. She thinks it’s funny to me me see these faces. She knows that they trigger hellish flashbacks, which is exactly what happened last night.

Eventually the flashbacks seemed to settle and I fell asleep. Thus came the night terrors. I woke up screaming and soaked in sweat, shaking & sobbing.

I’ve been awake since then. I hate myself for being this way. I hate that this monster has control over me. This morning I was very depressed, which turned into a bout of disassociation followed by an existential crisis.

Just great. My head is spinning and I feel so weird. I hate this. I hate me. I really do.

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