Swimming through mud…

I have been feeling very sad and on edge all day. Several people have asked me what is wrong. I have had to be honest with them and tell them that I do not have one single solitary clue.

I feel like I am swimming through mud trying to figure out why I feel this way. It’s horrible. You know the “waiting for something but you don’t know what” feeling? Yeah, that. That’s it. That’s what I’m feeling.

My illness is curled up in a corner in my head. She’s been quiet for a couple of days. She’s given me some peace. My doctor has started me on Seroquel. I think she knows we are fighting her, so she fights back in the way that only she can… by completely shredding what is left of my sanity.

She does this a lot. Makes me feel sad and on edge. I feel a thousand times worse for not knowing why. For wanting to know why the butch just won’t let me be. Being crazy is hard work. I’m exhausted. I just need an empty head for a little while.

So the only conclusion I can draw is that I am teetering on the edge again. She likes to do this. She will let me feel almost ok for a few days and then she’ll start to mess with me one way or another before she pushes me right over the edge and makes me suffer.

I have to wait until May now to see my doc. I just hope I’m wrong.

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8 thoughts on “Swimming through mud…

  1. ardwarrior

    😞, I think it’s sometimes worse when we don’t even know why we are feeling the way we do. I hope you’re in a better place soon, try not to over think it all (easy to say, not so easy to do).

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