The smallness of self…

I’m feeling very introspective today. It’s one of those days where I feel like I could look inside myself and be taken aback by just how empty I am.

It’s like there is a hole where my heart used to be. I can put my hand into my chest and wiggle my fingers. There are creeping tendrils of blackness where my heart used to be. Where I used to fill a space, where I used to be a somebody, I have began to shrink and wither and become nothing but a fraction of what I used to be. I feel small. Just tiny.

Why does this happen? In my case it’s a very simple trigger. I was spoken to like crap by someone on Facebook. Now you may think that I’m a grown up and I should be able to shrug off nastiness like that. But I can’t. All my life I have been ostracised and criticised by the men in my life. When somebody tells you that you are nothing every day then eventually it starts to stick and you believe it to be true. So when anybody says anything even remotely confrontational or angry to me, I dissolve into a small caricature of myself. I get carried away on a sea of memories that reduce me to panic. They almost seem able to take over the spaces in my body where my organs should be. I become the smallness of my self. Of what I am reduced to. I often wonder how I would have been if things had been different. If I had not been a verbal punching bag for 33 years.

I have been told so many times that I should just “get over it” or “move on”. When people say that to me, my urge is to scream at them. They have never been where I have been. They have never had to live within the smallness of self. I want to tell them that they need to shut up. That its ok not to be ok. That it is ok to feel this pain and to be angry that you had to endure what you did.

These people have never climbed inside our heads and tried to dance with our demons. My demon is always in me. Taking up so much space. Pulling me in and making me small. Creating that smallness of self.

One day I may learn to at least partially refill the empty space inside me. Until that day I have to fight against folding in on myself. I have to fill the space within myself.

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24 thoughts on “The smallness of self…

  1. (((HUGS))) 🐻 πŸ’›
    I’ve read a lot of self help books to understand and better my own situation as I’ve been and still am hurt by those ‘closest’ to me. Have you tried that visual thing of transporting yourself somewhere beautiful, or encased yourself in a protective white light?

      1. Since your pagan(? Do I remember correctly?) I’m not sure how you’ll really feel about this, (I dont know the differences in beliefs, a person is a person) but before the accident I always listened to a cd called healing with the Angels – Doreen Virtue. I had a really hard time getting used to her voice, and now I can’t handle noise, so I don’t listen to any of my CDs, but this is similar, so if you wanted to try, here is one on YouTube. I didn’t listen the whole way through, but for a few minutes. You have to give it time when you meditate. You may feel a little better the first time, but it takes daily practice to really work.

        Well, I hope you can get it anyway, if you try.

      2. Yes, you remembered correctly. I’ve got to be honest and say that I’m not the biggest fan that Doreen Virtue ever had. Her voice drives me slightly loopy. Meditation is something I’ve done before so I’m more than happy to give it a go.

  2. I have been there so I know what you are feeling. My now exhusband is attracted to very strong women but he is very insecure and hides it behind is charm. I am by nature not a trusting person but he won me over and immediately began to beat me down with his words to make himself feel better. I totally lost myself. It took me 10 years to get away and it’s been almost seven years now. It’s been a long road back to me again. It was work, some days were difficult but I made the decision everyday to not live in the prison someone else designed for me. I had to keep telling myself that this is my life and I have permission to be any me I choose. So hang in there, I have confidence that you can find your way.

      1. You’re welcome. I hope it helps. It is ok to have the days where we’re not ok. We just can’t unpack and live there. We have to keep getting up and fighting to get ourselves back.

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