I’m feeling very introspective today. It’s one of those days where I feel like I could look inside myself and be taken aback by just how empty I am.
It’s like there is a hole where my heart used to be. I can put my hand into my chest and wiggle my fingers. There are creeping tendrils of blackness where my heart used to be. Where I used to fill a space, where I used to be a somebody, I have began to shrink and wither and become nothing but a fraction of what I used to be. I feel small. Just tiny.
Why does this happen? In my case it’s a very simple trigger. I was spoken to like crap by someone on Facebook. Now you may think that I’m a grown up and I should be able to shrug off nastiness like that. But I can’t. All my life I have been ostracised and criticised by the men in my life. When somebody tells you that you are nothing every day then eventually it starts to stick and you believe it to be true. So when anybody says anything even remotely confrontational or angry to me, I dissolve into a small caricature of myself. I get carried away on a sea of memories that reduce me to panic. They almost seem able to take over the spaces in my body where my organs should be. I become the smallness of my self. Of what I am reduced to. I often wonder how I would have been if things had been different. If I had not been a verbal punching bag for 33 years.
I have been told so many times that I should just “get over it” or “move on”. When people say that to me, my urge is to scream at them. They have never been where I have been. They have never had to live within the smallness of self. I want to tell them that they need to shut up. That its ok not to be ok. That it is ok to feel this pain and to be angry that you had to endure what you did.
These people have never climbed inside our heads and tried to dance with our demons. My demon is always in me. Taking up so much space. Pulling me in and making me small. Creating that smallness of self.
One day I may learn to at least partially refill the empty space inside me. Until that day I have to fight against folding in on myself. I have to fill the space within myself.