I remember when…

I’ve been having some very down days recently. The kind of days where my self hatred has been slithering up and around my body like vines around a column. But the vines are toxic. They leech their poison into me and my mood becomes blacker and blacker. I can feel it happen.

Ever since I became ill seven years ago, I’ve had to face up to the fact that my life has changed dramatically. I’ve gone from being a happy, active woman to being a broken, unhappy cripple who cannot even lift her shoulders up to brush her hair. The joints either dislocate or stop me through the level of pain. I was a nurse for 15 years. Every day of my working life was dedicated to helping people and never once did I think that I would be on the other side of the fence. It hurts. A lot.

That makes it even more difficult for me to cope with the changes that have happened to my body. I miss my job so much. I miss being able to soothe someone’s pain. To make a difference. I was damned good at my job and not being able to do it any more really does hurt like hell.

I remember when I could go on long walks with my children. Before my physical and mental health turned me into a crippled agoraphobic. I used to chase the boys playing tig and we would laugh and squeal. I miss that so much.

My toxic thoughts are telling me that I am letting them down because I cannot do that for them any more. That I’m not even half the person I used to be. I remember when I didn’t feel like that. But it was so long ago, it feels like a dream.

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20 thoughts on “I remember when…

  1. I’m sorry to hear you’re hurting… (((HUGS!))) I, too, still can’t get used to being permanently crippled by the severe chronic pain. For me, I feel like I’m touching the edge of madness because of it (and the way I’m treated). We live our grief every day. If you don’t mind me saying, you sound like a good mother now. Because you can’t play with them as before, you’re still doing other ‘mum’ things with them…you still love them. They will remember that when grown. 🙂

    1. I have substituted in other things. I can make a fool of myself for ten minutes on a video game, but then I have to stop because my hands hurt. You do feel like you have a tenuous grip on sanity at best because the pain is so severe. Being treated like a junkie because of the pain meds hurts like hell too. I feel your pain. (((hugs)))c

  2. ardwarrior

    I can completely relate, it can be so hard at times. I miss my old life too. Try not to let the toxic thoughts win (I know it’s easier said, than done).

  3. I’m trying to think of the right words to say. Those memories of before we got sick can really mess with our minds and spirit. I’m sorry for the pain you are experienceing right now. Sending good, warm thoughts to you.

  4. You’re so much more than the sum of your occupation and your physical abilities. I know its hard, I used to be a GP but I’ve been on the other side for nearly a decade. What’s worse than not being able to do something is losing the will to do anything at all. I had to accept that there were some things I can’t change but there are always things to do, things you can do and getting to a place to find them is worth all the pain you go through to move on from what was. Optimism is far from easy and it ebbs and flows but you’re not alone. I hope you have a brighter day tomorrow.

  5. Ouch, how much of your pain is a result of doing such a tough physical job, nursing, and from being in a violent relationship? So the change of status and the pain must be tough but you are a victor! You got out, you’re all safe and you do what you can when you can … every little thing counts! And nobody could take better care of your kids – they need you, well done.

  6. Calming and therapeutic thoughts are sent your way. You have some wonderful recipes on your lovely blog. I wish I had a recipe for a cure for you but know that I’m wishing you sunshine. xo, Rose 🌷 🌼 🌸 💐 🌼 🌸 💐

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