I have always found it difficult to cope in the company of other people. Ever since I was a little girl. I was happier to be off climbing trees and playing than in a big gang of girls.
My psychiatrist tells me that my introvert qualities are as a result of the years of abuse that I went through. At the hands of both my ‘father’ and my ex husband. They both abused and belittled me so much that I wanted to disappear inside myself.
With my ‘father’ it was so difficult to accept. The physical abuse he put me through is something that no farther should ever do to his daughter. I’m not able to talk about the physical aspects of what happened. I cannot bring the words up out of my mouth. I try and the words get stuck in my throat. I just cannot speak. The verbal abuse is easier to talk about. He would call me a half breed because of my Scots accent, and tell me that the only reason I was raised in Scotland was that I was too stupid to be raised in England. I would be told I was fat, spotty, ugly and useless. I would break my heart and cry every single night. Why was I never good enough for him? It stained my soul.
Then after my wonderful mum died in 1988, I was kicked out of the house at aged 16 to fend for myself. I swam to the bottom of a vodka bottle for three years, only surfacing for long enough to swallow pills or cut my arm with one of many razors.
I met my ex at 19. There was six months of amazing times and all of a sudden, like a drop of coloured ink spreading through a glass of water, the insults spread through my soul. I was stupid, ugly, fat… I was told I should stay indoors because nobody would want to see my face. I believed him. I’ve been free for almost 11 years and I still believe him. 😦
So my anxiety and agoraphobia coalesced into this giant ball of self loathing. As time has gone by, I have become more and more introverted. I hate answering the phone, I refuse to answer the door unless I am expecting you and I’m terrified of people in general. Only my own company truly soothes me now. 😦