Barking black dog…

My black dog is barking. I’ve ignored the bitch for a couple of days but she just won’t shut the fuck up.

This is a regular thing, thanks to bipolar disorder. I’ve been OK for a while but as my physical health has deteriorated, my mood has started on a downer. I have so many letters to write but I’m not able to hold a pen for long enough. This breaks my fucking heart. I’ve always slated typed letters, but I’m scared that if I don’t then I’ll lose my pals altogether. That’s if I haven’t lost them already, 😦

So here I am. Teetering on the brink. Feeling the lowest and crappiest that I have for a long time. I’m holding on to the edge of the deep pit of my sanity and my fingers were slipping.

What really hurts is when people say ignorant shit like, “Go take a walk!” Gee asshole, my legs don’t work, is my wheelchair invisible all of a sudden? Ooooooh, wait – you turned into Harry fucking Potter and cast a spell on my legs? Bullshit. Let’s not even go there shall we? Yes, I acknowledge that fresh air and the outdoors are good for helping to lift the symptoms. But there is another issue for me – my crippling agoraphobia. Every single time that I have to open the door, my pulse rate pounds and my breathing is jagged and rapid. I burst into tears and hide myself away from the world.

 

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6 thoughts on “Barking black dog…

  1. I hate ignorance, I despise it even. I just wanted to say that you are not going through this alone, sometimes it is hard to face our fears. And sometimes it is hard to stay positive, and sometimes it feels downright impossible. But it is possible. Many people have experienced this, but you will be strong enough to survive it. You just have to remind yourself and realize how strong you truly are. I hope you feel ok soon πŸ™‚

  2. Hang in there – i had no idea you were going through so much … stay focused on that cat and the raven. One you can pet and the other will help you fly again.

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