Wrung out…

Dispair is creeping up inside my chest and curling it’s fetid fingers around my throat. I’m fighting the urge to cry, but the needles of tears are pricking the back of my eyelids like a thousand needle sharp teeth.

I try so hard to be a good person and a good mother. My kids are my absolute world. But they are both autistic and have special needs. I do everything by myself. But my youngest has just snapped at me. Violently snapped. I had a flashback to being beaten by his father. It was horrific. I’m now feeling cold, hot and terror filled. He is downstairs and ignoring me. He has retreated into his autistic shell. A part of me is so envious. I would give anything not to feel right now.

My thoughts are so dark right now. Why does everything I touch turn to shit? Why am I such a failure? Why can’t I have friends? I’m so toxic that every single person that I meet ends up melting away from me like butter.

I’ve fought so hard for so long that I have nothing left. I’m wrung out…

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12 thoughts on “Wrung out…

  1. lolabipola

    Life is hard. Add to the equation two children with autism, and it’s a whole new ball game. I think you are amazing coping the way you do with all the challenges your situation presents you with.

    *hugs*

  2. Ok, I don’t know you but you just started following my blog today. I can tell you this much right now, You are not a failure nor will you EVER be. You have two beautiful children, you are a success and you’re a Mother. You are worthy and you’ve just a hit a wall. I don’t think you are toxic and I’m positive your children love you dearly. What would they do without you? Hug this shit out and cry as much as you need to. Know that I’m your new friend and I’ll help you smile, hugs my new sweet friend and please lift your chin up and smile. You’re fantastic and I believe in you, now how about you believe in YOU? Can you do that for me? XOXO

  3. Lennon said it all … every day will bring its challenges and we can only do our best! Motherhood is the toughest job yet – no time out, no wages, no annual leave or superannuation – yet it is the most important job in the world! Yes, you are raising our next world leaders and the ones who will care for you in your old age. It is often a drag and there is no manual of instructions but keep loving and your child will outgrow his fathers shameful example.

  4. Walking My Path: Mindful Wanderings in Nature

    I can’t even imagine how hard that must be.
    By loving what comes up, we can heal. The triggers are letting you know what needs healing, so love that if you can. I do hope you feel better soon. Sounds like a lot to deal with.
    Blessings
    Mary

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