What’s the point?…

Every single bastard day I try to make my limbs work. I try to function and be a valuable member of society. I try to say things that will help other people and all I will end up doing is just upsetting others people or making a situation worse.

Today, I woke up at 5am (I fell asleep at 3am) So I gave up on the idea of further sleep and just lay there and grit my teeth until my carer arrived at 7am. Then I get my beloved hot water bottles and I. An take my tablets.

This morning, I may as well have swallowed lumps of play-doh. Meds have done nothing to control my pain and my mental health is a mess right now. I’m sobbing and seeing my keypad through tears is not so easy.

The pain in my lower back is actually making me feel sick. I want to vomit, it’s that bad. My knees feel so weak that any knock or bang will just cause the knee cap to dislocate again. I’ve dislocated my finger this morning. It’s only the ninth time it’s happened. I’m used to just popping it back in now. Not going to sit in A&E for hours if I can do it myself.

I just keep crying and feeling utterly worthless about myself. Nothing that I say is any good or makes any sense. I just end up making the situation worse. I’m beginning to think I should just crawl away under a bridge and just cry alone.

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