I can feel it. It’s gripping my lungs and squeezing them in a vice. The more I try to not panic and keep calm, the worse it gets. The more I struggle to keep calm, I can feel panic’s icy caress reach up my throat and squeeze tightly, making it so difficult for me to speak or breathe with struggling.

I’m on my own. I’m lay on my bed and I’m sobbing my heart out. I’m panicking so badly and I have no reason to. But the panic is bubbling up and spilling out like hot lava down the sides of a volcano.

My throat is getting tighter. My lips are getting cold and tingly. I’m finding it more and more difficult to type.

I’m so scared. I need my answers, yet I can’t have them. I’m terrified mum! I miss you.x

My beef with New Year’s resolutions…

I’m hearing from most of the people I know and seeing it plastered all over social media. “My resolution this New Year is xyz“. Sure, having the desire to make a positive change in your life is a great thing, but answer me this one question… why on earth do people need to wait to new year’s to make a change to their lives for the better?

I have been thinking about some of the resolutions that my friends have made (that I know about) in recent years. With the exception of just a couple, every single resolution has disappeared like a puff of smoke into the sky. The question is, why?

I think that people become so fixated upon their resolution/s that they really start to feel under too much pressure to succeed at what they are doing. The two classic resolutions seem to be stopping smoking and losing weight. People start out all positive and determined, but by the end of day one, the smokers and chewing their fingertips to the bone and the dieters are sweating and hallucinating about jumbo sized bars of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk. 

Then the smokers go cold turkey and turn from lovely people into complete asshats.

They start to feel the need and it’s a case of “Just one bit of chocolate” or “Just one more cigarette” and then back on the wagon. However, they can’t stop at “just one” and before you know it they are right back to square one and feeling guilty.

In my humble opinion, people are setting themselves up for a fall with new year’s resolutions because of one main reason. They don’t really want to do it. They are simply doing it because they feel obliged to. You “have” to make a New Year’s resolution don’t you? No. No you don’t.

You should make a change in your life because you want to, not because society tells you you have to. Screw that. Make changes that make you happy and do it when it makes you happy and feels right, not because society tells you it’s the time to do it!

Happy Hogmanay!

Book Review – The Rest Of Us Just Live Here…

The Rest Of Us Just Live Here – Patrick Ness.
Not everyone has to be the chosen one. The one who’s supposed to fight the zombies, or the soul eating ghosts, or whatever this new thing is, with the blue lights and the death.
What if you were Mikey? Who just wants to graduate and go to prom before someone goes and blows up the high school. Again.
And what if there are problems bigger than this week’s end of the world and you just have to find the extraordinary in your ordinary life?
Even if your best friend might be the God of mountain lions…
The book starts with our protagonist and his friends lay in a meadow and doing some studying. Then out of the blue, Indie kid Finn comes running out of the forest and into another forest towards another forest and a column of blue light. He gets chased by a young girl. Weird.
You quickly get the sense that Mikey has mental health issues. His behaviour is indicative of anxiety and OCD. I applaud this as far too few people appear in books that are sufferers. Far too many people are protagonists who are all peachy and wholesome. Mikey talks about his issues and says he feels like he is stuck in a loop when the attacks happen to him.
Then we come across Jared, Mikey’s absolute best friend in the whole world who just happens to be the mountain lion god. He also happens to be gay. He and Mikey have fooled around a couple of times but are not an item.
That’s because Mikey is in love with Henna. Henna is mixed race. Her mum is African American and her dad is Finnish. They are both ministers in a church and are hyper religious. They are planning to go to the Central African Republic after Henna graduates – in four and a half weeks time.
Then we meet Mel and Meredith. Mel is Mikey’s nineteen year old older sister. She is in Mikey’s year at school because last year she had a heart attack following an extended bout of Anorexia. She also has anxiety issues. She cannot stand to have anyone watch her eat. Meredith is the younger sister. She is only ten years old and at the point in time that the book is written, she does not have any psychological issues (other than pre-teenage fandom for a boy band) and she appears the only calm one of the three.
As the story progresses, we are made aware that the indie kids are starting to drop like flies. It also cause me to wonder why we only get a paragraph of writing about the indie kids. To me, this makes the story become rather disjointed and it begins to lose its flow in places. Which is a real shame, because the other parts of the story gel really well.
There are, as mentioned, little sub chapters at the start of each chapter. They offer insights into what is actually going on with the blue light and how the indie kids are the ones to deal with it all. My only wish is that those had been written as actual chapters. It spoilt what was an otherwise really good book.

Difficult few days…

The last few days have been both physically and emotionally difficult. As much as I have my boys, and I would crawl over broken glass to give them what they need to be happy, I have to fight many demons to be able to do it.

My mum died 26 years ago. I was 16 years old. The pain has never gone away, but it has become easier to bear. There are three times when I really have to fight not to cry though. They are her birthday, christmas and when I am ill. So this christmas there have been two out of three. There have been a couple of nights where I have fought to hold it together in front of the boys, then once they are asleep, let rip with quiet tears. I miss her so much.

My pain has been at almost uncontrollable levels. Moving even short distances has been so damned difficult. My knee popped out but thankfully went back in on its own. No way I’m going to A&E on christmas eve! All I wanted was a cuddle from my mum.

Yet I did it. I gave my boys a wonderful day. They understand why I can’t wrap presents neatly. They don’t care. Their gifts are shredded so quickly, I don’t think it really matters! My friend came and cooked Christmas lunch (I can’t use the oven) and ate with us. It was wonderful.

Sure, I didn’t have butt loads of presents. We didn’t go out anywhere. But what I have is the image of my boy’s smiles imprinted in my heart. That is the best gift of all!

Aaaaaand breathe…

Right now I have a real moral dilemma. Someone I know is dating a total chinchilla fisting badger rimming fucknugget. Yes ladies and gents, he’s a prick. She loves him desperately but he treats her like a piece of crap and she just takes it.

I have two edges to my dilemma. There is absolutely no way that any of this is my business. That’s dilemma no.1. No.2 is that they live in another country, thousands of miles away, so even if I was going to interfere, I can’t.

I guess I’m blogging about this so that I can purge my frustrations. If just really pisses me off to see my wonderful friend abused by this feckless, spineless, jobless asshole. I don’t hate anybody but this guy comes close.

What would you do? Would you respect her choices or would you plough ahead and let the guy have it? I’m curious as to what other people would do?