What it’s like being me…

I’ve lain awake for most of the night. Every time that I nodded off, I would move in my sleep and the pain would flare again, searing through me and igniting every single receptor in my body as it journeyed through.

I’ve been asked before what the pain feels like. It fucking hurts, that’s what it feels like!

I’m being unfair. The pain changes and shifts. It mutates as it travels through my body. It can feel different in the same part of my body after five minutes. It ups and downs. It travels to different areas of my body at a moments notice. Right now it is in my hips and shooting all the way down my thighs and into my calves. It is in my back. It is in my arms and my shoulders. I’ve even got nerve pain in my face. I think my hair is probably the only part of me that doesn’t hurt right now. It sucks donkey balls. Yet you can guarantee in ten minutes time, the nature of the pain will morph and it will change where it wants to be again. As always.

This insidious pain rules my life. It has made me dependant on medication to function on the sub-normal level that I function at. It takes over. Hyperalgesia has taken up residence and it does not seem to want to leave. Allodynia has made things really difficult. The slightest touch from anything hurts way more than it should. Hyperasthesia and parasthesia have also taken up residence with me. I hate wearing clothes. They hurt. I’m not ashamed to admit that when I don’t have to go out, I spend my time naked. Anything that makes things hurt a little less.

I’m exhausted. That feeling never goes away. My head is constantly fuzzy and I have to fight through the mental cotton wool to achieve any kind of clarity. Some days, that fog is stronger than I am and I struggle to make even basic sense of things. I feel as if a headache is lurking around the corner constantly and it will spring on me at a moment’s notice.

I am rocking a bloated Buddha look at the moment, thanks to my IBS. That makes me play poo roulette. Spin the wheel… is today going to be the day I get to go?

As I’m writing this, my legs are twitching and moving. This drives me crazy. Restless leg syndrome is a pain in the ass.

I bruise so easily. The slightest knock and I end up with a livid purple blob that takes ages to bugger off!

My joints are so freakin’ bendy, I feel like a stretchy doll at times. Yet as bendy as they are, there are certain joints (mainly fingers, knees and shoulders) that will pop out of place. Oh boy, what fun. My skin is dry and stretchy too. I swear I keep Lush in business the amount of body moisturiser I use!

Lest we forget, there is also my POTs. That is a special joy all of its own, as anyone who has it will tell you. Damn, I could go on for ages about the problems I have and how they make me feel. 

This is just the physical issues. My mental health? Now that’s a whole other blog post…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s