Inside my head…

WARNING: POST DISCUSSES SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND DOMESTIC ABUSE.

Yesterday morning was not pleasant for me. I ran out of my psych meds the day before. As a result, I spent most of yesterday sobbing and gibbering like a total wreck. Why am I on these meds? They are a result of the years of abuse I suffered. Blogging about this is not an attempt to grab attention. It feels cleansing. Cathartic almost. Anyhoo, it’s my blog so I can post what the hell I like really.

Also, I had several flashbacks which were very unpleasant in nature. I almost lost it completely at one stage. My flashbacks had been easing off and prior to yesterday, I had not had one for several weeks, which was major for me.

The first one was a particularly violent one. I was standing in the kitchen, taking a drink from a can of Coke. I’d just finished a cigarette and needed to get the taste out of my mouth. (Cheap duty free cigarettes – nasty) As I placed the can down on the counter top, my ex came crashing through the front door, completely drunk. He wanted sex and started pawing at me in the kitchen. I pushed him away, and picked up the can to take another drink. He slapped the can away, and it went skittering across the floor, spinning as it went. Then he punched me square on the nose, and my nose felt like it exploded. The blood was pouring like a tap on full flow. It was terrifying. Then he pushed me to the ground and started to pull me round the kitchen by my hair. He tried dragging me to the living room and the sofa but I just curled up in a ball. Would he have raped me if he got me to the sofa? I have no doubt, as it happened many other times. This time he was content to just kick me until he had cracked two of my ribs. He then wandered into the living room to watch porn as I lay bleeding, sobbing and shaking on the kitchen floor.

Another one was when my youngest  child was almost one. My eldest was watching a favourite TV programme when scumbag came staggering in and switched the channel over to football. (to me, your kids come first!) My eldest then burst into tears and begged scumbag to let him watch the tv. Instead of doing the right thing and switching the TV back over, he raised his arm. I leapt up and stood between them. As a result, well, I’m sure you can guess. I ended up with a black eye and a split lip. Better my than my child though. Any day.

I was so angry! These patches of darkness had invited themselves back into my head without my consent. As a result, I felt really shitty and low for the rest of the day. Fuck you PTSD!

I’ve been better this morning, but they are still there. Bubbling away in the corners of my mind. So that’s inside my head right now. It is not a nice place to be.

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