My heart is breaking.

Paranoia is an evil bitchmonster and she hangs off my shoulder constantly whispering in my ear. I’m not good enough. I’m too fat, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m a lousy person and so on and so on.

I should ignore her and I should listen to my friends. They tell me that I am worthy and that I am pretty and clever. But I just cannot accept those words. For so many years I had been told all those horrible things on a daily basis. For 33 long years. When mud is thrown on a daily basis, it begins to stick and cling.

I know that I make people angry and frustrated because I can’t believe the things that they tell me. I don’t mean to do it! But that bitchmonster on my shoulder starts to whisper and all my self resolve just crumbles. 

The more I panic and the more I kick back against the things in my head, the worse things become. Here’s an example of a conversation between me and the bitchmonster.

Me: I feel OK today.

BM: Nah, you’re a piece of shit!

Me: Wait, what? I’m not!

BM: Oh yes you are. You’re a loser and a nothing. You’re ugly and you’re fat and everybody hates you. EVERYBODY!

Me: Really? Everybody?

BM: Yep. You even hate yourself if you are honest (she’s right, I do).

Me: *cries and eats ice cream*

That’s pretty much every conversation with the bitchmonster. She leaves me quivering and shaking and sobbing. I feel so weak in her presence. I will never be able to beat her.

I try so hard to fight back. But I’m never going to win. My heart is breaking.

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