Paranoia is an evil bitchmonster and she hangs off my shoulder constantly whispering in my ear. I’m not good enough. I’m too fat, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m a lousy person and so on and so on.
I should ignore her and I should listen to my friends. They tell me that I am worthy and that I am pretty and clever. But I just cannot accept those words. For so many years I had been told all those horrible things on a daily basis. For 33 long years. When mud is thrown on a daily basis, it begins to stick and cling.
I know that I make people angry and frustrated because I can’t believe the things that they tell me. I don’t mean to do it! But that bitchmonster on my shoulder starts to whisper and all my self resolve just crumbles.
The more I panic and the more I kick back against the things in my head, the worse things become. Here’s an example of a conversation between me and the bitchmonster.
Me: I feel OK today.
BM: Nah, you’re a piece of shit!
Me: Wait, what? I’m not!
BM: Oh yes you are. You’re a loser and a nothing. You’re ugly and you’re fat and everybody hates you. EVERYBODY!
Me: Really? Everybody?
BM: Yep. You even hate yourself if you are honest (she’s right, I do).
Me: *cries and eats ice cream*
That’s pretty much every conversation with the bitchmonster. She leaves me quivering and shaking and sobbing. I feel so weak in her presence. I will never be able to beat her.
I try so hard to fight back. But I’m never going to win. My heart is breaking.