The days where you hate yourself.

I know we all have them. You there, the one reading this blog (thank you for reading by the way) you will have had some bad days. Don’t try and deny it now… we’ve all had them. Those days are sheer hell on wheels!

I’ll tell you about mine shall I? I’m fairly sure that mine will differ from yours. We all have different issues, and they all choose to manifest themselves in very different ways. Hell, even things that appear the same are handled differently by different people.

Normally I can feel the approach of a stormer of a bad day the night before. I don’t sleep. I’ll sit with my arms clasped around my knees and just rock back and forth. I stare numbly at my surroundings and I feel like I have never seen them before. The tiredness begins to burn my eyes and pretty soon it begins to feel like I’m rubbing my eyes with rough grade sand paper. Then my eyes will prickle with tears and the horrible thoughts and memories come back to haunt me.

By the time that morning rolled up, I was like a total zombie. How I functioned through the morning I will never understand! The boys chose that morning to display their autism to its fullest effect. It is hard enough to cope when one of them blows but both??? *hides in corner and quivers*

However I deal with it the best I can until help arrives in the form of my rock. My lifeline. He takes over and I can fall back and sob until I’m all cried out. However, the feelings of sadness and emptiness do not go away. They fester and multiply, gaining more of a foothold until they are nailed to the inside of my brain and I know they will be there the whole damn day!

My carer is my life. I would be lost without him. But on these days I cannot even guarantee that I can be “normal” (I hate that word) with him. I’m closed off.

On these days, nothing is right. My pain is so severe I want to find the people who did this to me and spit roast them slowly with razor studded dildos up their asses. Even that is too good for them!

A part of me is scared that these days will never go away. That I will be trapped like this, stuck in this void forever.

These days leave me feeling sad, scared, anxious and alone. I look in the mirror and I see this hideously ugly monster staring back at me. I feel bereft of friends, of kinship, of belonging. The one place I want to belong? One person hates me. How can I belong somewhere like that? I’m a loner. I can’t taint other people with my mood.

I have A LOT of these days. More of these than happy ones. The days that I hate myself on seem to run my life.

But you know what? That’s OK. We are all allowed to have shitty days. You can have 364 shitty days. As long as you have one day where you can shine light into the world.

Why? Because eventually you will realise that you CAN change the course of a shitty day, whether it’s yours or someone else’s. All it takes is a wee smile. 😀

One thought on “The days where you hate yourself.

  1. This was EXCELLENT!! Yes, one can have as many shitty days as there are available. I have my fair share. But, I have decided even on the shittiest day (LITERALLY), I will still laugh and enjoy because for me everyday above ground is a great day…and one more than I ever thought I would have. Chronic illness and pain SUCKS…and I allow myself to be pissed and frustrated about it, but refuse to stay there long.

    Liked by 1 person

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