Guilty of showing emotion and pain…

I have lived with mental health issues since I was eight years old. I have been forced to grit my teeth and smile and keep it inside. At such a young age, when you hear the words, “I’ll kill your mum if you tell anyone” you break with fear and keep the hell your mind and body have been put through to yourself. You are so scared. You have to protect her.

I started wetting my bed and acting up at school. My teachers asked me what was wrong, but they knew my ‘father’ was an alcoholic so they put it down to that. If only they had just had the courage of their convictions and had just told someone about it.

At the age of 14, after so much pain and terror, I snapped and threatened him with a knife. I slept with that knife every night. He left me alone then, but I became so paranoid and every creak of the floorboards made me shake with terror.

At the age of 16, my mum died and my ‘father’ threw me out of the house. A big part of me was shaking with relief and was overjoyed to finally be away from him. But the loss of my mum tipped me over the edge into a huge depression. I begged my doctor to help me but he told me all I needed to do was cheer up and stop moping. Not what you need to hear.

My fragile emotional state made it easy for my ex to worm his way in. His abuse was insidious at first. The odd word or comment. Eventually it became physical and sexual as well as emotional. I had already fallen so in love with him, I felt unable to fight. I was totally under his control. This went on for 15 whole years. I had to hold myself together for my boys. But I could feel my strength ebbing away. 33 solid years of abuse had worn me down to a nothing.

I had two wonderful friends who helped me to escape. I owe them my life.

Thats a big part of my problem now. People say to me that I should be grateful and happy that I am free now and be making a new and happy life. Oh if only.

The black dog has been barking more and more. I am lost in a swirling mass of darkness that is threatening to swallow me whole. I am teetering on the edge of a massively deep pit and I’m trying so hard not to fall in and drown in what lives down there.

When people ask me how I am, I am terrified to tell the truth. So I force a semblance of a smile onto my face and force then expression “I’m fine” out of my mouth. They have all said that they are sick and tired of me moaning all the time. So you see? I can’t win if I do tell the truth. I get labelled an utterly miserable bitch. I simply can’t fucking win.

The medication I take has little effect. I have not seen my Psych doctor for over eight months now. Nobody wants to listen. Nobody wants to hear my pain. So I’m trying so hard to hide it all but I’m not having any luck at all. I feel like I’m going to explode with pain. 😦