My black dog is barking.

The barking started a couple of days ago. I tried to fight it and be cheerful, but I couldn’t win. I fought harder and harder, yet the herder I fought, the more difficult it became.

For those of you who actually give enough of a fuck to actually read my blog and don’t know why I’m talking about black dogs, it is a term used to refer to depression.

So I’m sitting here after two days of trying to fight the barking and it’s getting virtually impossible to fight. I feel so utterly worthless and stupid. I cannot achieve anything physically and now my ability to help people verbally has crumbled too. What is my point in life without that? I feel broken and empty inside. When I could compensate my feelings of frustration because I could talk to people, at least I felt happy. Now? I just feel like I’m swimming through mud and can’t keep my head up.

I’ve had three people say to me, “Oh just cheer up!” I want to scream when I hear that expression. It is not so easy to just shake it off. I wish it was.

I have two things that keep my head above the level of the mud line. My boys. I give thanks for them every single day. They are the light in my darkness.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “My black dog is barking.

  1. I give a fuck – I’m sorry to hear the black dog has been howling it’s nasty little head off at you. It feels so suffocating I know and you just feel so utterly worthless. Then it just gets louder and louder and doesn’t shut the hell up. You want to scream but you can’t because you’re choking on your own breath. It’s hell & I feel your pain… I’m so glad to hear you have your boys that bring light into your life. Much love to you…x

    1. I can’t tell you how much those words meant. I’m still feeling dark this morning. I keep trying to tell myself that there are people who have it far worse than I do, but I can’t listen. 😢

      1. Well we’ll just have to ride along in the dark together then, I feel the same. I always try to tell myself there are people worse off but I can’t usually make myself listen either. It’s just so depressing getting up to be in pain all day long unable to do anything. The worries of the future can be so stomach churning at times and the guilt of being like this is even worse. Nothing but emotional & physical pain all the time but we have to keep finding the strength to carry on somehow…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s