The barking started a couple of days ago. I tried to fight it and be cheerful, but I couldn’t win. I fought harder and harder, yet the herder I fought, the more difficult it became.
For those of you who actually give enough of a fuck to actually read my blog and don’t know why I’m talking about black dogs, it is a term used to refer to depression.
So I’m sitting here after two days of trying to fight the barking and it’s getting virtually impossible to fight. I feel so utterly worthless and stupid. I cannot achieve anything physically and now my ability to help people verbally has crumbled too. What is my point in life without that? I feel broken and empty inside. When I could compensate my feelings of frustration because I could talk to people, at least I felt happy. Now? I just feel like I’m swimming through mud and can’t keep my head up.
I’ve had three people say to me, “Oh just cheer up!” I want to scream when I hear that expression. It is not so easy to just shake it off. I wish it was.
I have two things that keep my head above the level of the mud line. My boys. I give thanks for them every single day. They are the light in my darkness.