Chronic pain and chronic panic.

I have a list as long as my arm of the things that are physically wrong with me. (The mental health issues are a list of their own.) As a result of this, I live my life in a state of perpetual pain. I can’t remember the last time I had a pain free day. As I type, my back is in spasms and all my joints seem to be having a competition to see which one can be the most painful.

Way back at the beginning of February, my GP told me that he was washing his hands of my pain control as nothing he gave me was working. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing! I went home that night and cried until my throat was raw. How could he do that? You wouldn’t turn your back on an animal in this much pain… you would take it to the vets and do the right thing. 😦

I went back to see my doctor the next day, and I begged him to refer me to the pain managent clinic at the hospital. He had initially refused to do so, despite a consultant Rheumatologist recommending that I be referred to see someone there. I couldn’t understand how he could be so cold. I broke down and sobbed. I told him that if I was not referred to the pain clinic then the only way out I could see from my pain was to take my own life. Dramatic, yes, but I genuinely felt that low.

So grudgingly my GP wrote a referral to the pain clinic. As soon as they received my referral, they called me and told me that my referral was in, but that the waiting list for new patients was currently at 26 weeks or so. What? I felt so desperate! But at least my name was on the list now.

I waited and waited and in April, another one of my consultants said she would write to the clinic and ask them to bump me up the list.

On Wednesday, I got a letter saying that they were finally ready to book me in for my first appointment. I was shaking as I called them (I’m phobic of speaking on the phone) and the woman I spoke to gave me an appointment for tomorrow at 6.15pm. She said they were running evening clinics to try and clear the huge waiting lists.

So I finally have my appointment. But I’m terrified. Not only am I terrified because I’m having to psych myself up to leave the house. I can feel my anxiety spiking and I’m in a mess. But the real reason I’m scared? I’m terrified that the doctor at the pain clinic will be like my GP and won’t want to help me. Fuck, I’m freaking out!

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3 thoughts on “Chronic pain and chronic panic.

  1. theresa1122

    I understand both the physical and mental pain as I live with it every day also. It’s a hell – plain and simple – HELL! I just had surgery 2 weeks ago to get an implant in my spinal cord to help with the pain. I have a lot of pain where the incisions are, but it is helping my physical pain. The surgery brought back a lot of emotional issues that I was trying to keep in the dark, but I am seeing a psychologist for that. Slowly, I am hoping to heal both in my body and my mind. I hope you get some help. Thoughts are with you.

      1. theresa1122

        Thank you! Glad we can be here for each other. People who don’t live with it just don’t understand, even if they try.

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