Something happened to me when I was a little girl. Something horrible. The one man who was supposed to love and care for me more than any other showed me that the monsters in my cupboard were real. He used to hide in there and wait until I was almost asleep before stepping out and doing what he did. He did it that way because I’d be drowsy and less likely to resist.
When I was much older, I married a man who turned out to be a carbon copy of my abuser. I found out when it was much too late. I was under his spell. I went through almost fifteen years of hell married to him. Maybe I’ll feel brave enough to be detailed one day.
Ive been free for ten years. I spent the first 33 years of my life being abused and controlled. Every night I have flashbacks and night terrors. I wake in a cold sweat, shaking and terrified. I have to bite down on my fist to stop the tears so I don’t wake my kids.
A couple of days ago, someone told me that I should be able to “just get over it” and move on with my life. Excuse me? Needless to say, this person had not experienced anything like I had, so I felt really hurt and angry that a so called friend could say that to me. I would love to be able to just “put it aside” and move on. Life would be so much better. But I CAN’T! I know that tonight the same unrelenting horrors will be there in my head. Just like always.