Agoraphobia – it’s a bitch.

Do you know what it’s like? I mean really know what it’s like? To be so gripped with terror when you even look out of a window that your heart pounds and you feel like you are going to puke? I do. It’s a bitch.

Every time I have an appointment, I don’t sleep the night before. I usually end up taking a Valium in the early hours in an attempt to get at leat some sleep. I can’t eat on the days that I have to go out. The last time that I tried, I threw up. I sweat and shake and my breathing is so fast, I get pins and needles in my fingertips. My hands go icy cold and I get a really fuzzy feeling in my head. My pulse races and most times, I can feel my heart banging against my chest wall like a hammer.

Leaving the house is hell. Once that front door opens, I feel like the ground is spinning and is going to rush up to meet me. It makes me so terrified.

I wear a hooded sweatshirt, no matter what the weather so I can pull the hat low down over my face and hide from everyone. I have an added difficulty – my wheelchair. It seems to draw the eyes of every single person that I get wheeled past. If I had the courage, I would love to scream, “fuck off nosey!” at the top of my voice. But nope, no courage here. I just shake and cry.

I get through the appointment by focusing on the fact that I will be home soon. That keeps me from losing my shit completely and breaking down.

Getting home after feeling like that is such a relief. I feel safe again.

So the next time you look at me and point and laugh, or tell me to “pull myself together”, come and read this and remember what it’s like for me and those like me. Oh, and remember. Agoraphobia’s a bitch.

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13 thoughts on “Agoraphobia – it’s a bitch.

  1. I know exactly what you mean because I feel it too. It’s so difficult for people to understand. I actually had a phone appointment with a doctor about it just this morning (which took me a lot of guts in itself) for him to say ‘We need you to come in for an appointment’… Like did you not just hear me say I have agoraphobia?! I hope things improve for you soon xxx

      1. I had a telephone appointment a couple of weeks ago. I got so worked up and distressed that I was in floods of tears and could hardly speak. The doctor said he was not going to speak to a hysterical woman and hung up on me. 😦

  2. I know how it feels to look outside and want to throw up, or step out your front door and feel like everything is spinning and totally out of control, and like you’ll never be safe anywhere but inside your house again. It’s fucking hell. Absolute and utter soul-crushing and grueling hell. Agorpahobia is a total bitch, but you’ve just got to make it your bitch, and conquer it, and be like “What? I got this!” You can do it. Baby steps. Seriously, battling this stuff has been the hardest shit I’ve ever had to do in my entire life, and that’s saying something. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it will ever truly get it.

      1. Aw, I just want to give you a big hug! That is awful! I am thankfully not at that point, but have come very close many times to there… Having trouble looking out windows let alone going outside. ❤ I hope that things start getting better and that you see the light soon. It's so hard, but you can be free from this… Both of us! You are stronger than you know, and I'm over here rooting for you!

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