Don’t ask me how I am if you’re not prepared for the answer.

I have a lot of issues, both physical and psychological. I have a number of conditions that mean I am in constant agonising pain. I seriously cannot remember the last time I wasn’t in pain. My conditions cause other physical problems too. I have a full time carer as a result.

My psychological issues cause an awful lot of problems for me. I am agoraphobic, extremely anxious, I panic all the time, have serious paranoia, I have trust issues, PTSD, depression, type 1 bipolar and a butt load of other phobias.

Every day I face a battle to put a smile on my face. I wish with all my heart that I could be one of the amazingly brave people who can do that. But I’m not. I’m one of the broken ones with no strength left. But I try for my family. Because they deserve it.

People ask me how I am. If I tell the truth and say, “I feel like shit. I’m in agony and I can’t stop crying because I feel so worthless”, I get called a miserable bitch and told to cheer up. Or even worse then that… the people who asked me will go behind my back to other friends and say, “what’s the matter with her? She is just a moaning, miserable cow!”

Well yes I am. I can’t help it. If you were in my shoes, you would be too. So please, don’t ask me how I am if you can’t handle the answer.

Guilty of showing emotion and pain…

I have lived with mental health issues since I was eight years old. I have been forced to grit my teeth and smile and keep it inside. At such a young age, when you hear the words, “I’ll kill your mum if you tell anyone” you break with fear and keep the hell your mind and body have been put through to yourself. You are so scared. You have to protect her.

I started wetting my bed and acting up at school. My teachers asked me what was wrong, but they knew my ‘father’ was an alcoholic so they put it down to that. If only they had just had the courage of their convictions and had just told someone about it.

At the age of 14, after so much pain and terror, I snapped and threatened him with a knife. I slept with that knife every night. He left me alone then, but I became so paranoid and every creak of the floorboards made me shake with terror.

At the age of 16, my mum died and my ‘father’ threw me out of the house. A big part of me was shaking with relief and was overjoyed to finally be away from him. But the loss of my mum tipped me over the edge into a huge depression. I begged my doctor to help me but he told me all I needed to do was cheer up and stop moping. Not what you need to hear.

My fragile emotional state made it easy for my ex to worm his way in. His abuse was insidious at first. The odd word or comment. Eventually it became physical and sexual as well as emotional. I had already fallen so in love with him, I felt unable to fight. I was totally under his control. This went on for 15 whole years. I had to hold myself together for my boys. But I could feel my strength ebbing away. 33 solid years of abuse had worn me down to a nothing.

I had two wonderful friends who helped me to escape. I owe them my life.

Thats a big part of my problem now. People say to me that I should be grateful and happy that I am free now and be making a new and happy life. Oh if only.

The black dog has been barking more and more. I am lost in a swirling mass of darkness that is threatening to swallow me whole. I am teetering on the edge of a massively deep pit and I’m trying so hard not to fall in and drown in what lives down there.

When people ask me how I am, I am terrified to tell the truth. So I force a semblance of a smile onto my face and force then expression “I’m fine” out of my mouth. They have all said that they are sick and tired of me moaning all the time. So you see? I can’t win if I do tell the truth. I get labelled an utterly miserable bitch. I simply can’t fucking win.

The medication I take has little effect. I have not seen my Psych doctor for over eight months now. Nobody wants to listen. Nobody wants to hear my pain. So I’m trying so hard to hide it all but I’m not having any luck at all. I feel like I’m going to explode with pain. 😦

Feeling like a failure…

No matter what I try and do to change my life, nothing works. I try mindfulness, it hasn’t worked. Positivity just won’t take up residence in my brain. I’ve read so many books about changing your life and making things better that I feel like a self help guru.

People have told me that I should be over things by now. That I should be a happy, healed and well adjusted individual. Oh, if only.

Who sets the time limits on recovery? Who is it that says, “OK, it’s been three years now, you should be over it and smiling now.”? Can they create the magic potion that makes me be healed according to their time frame? Of course not.

People need to back off and realise that the things they say can be incredibly hurtful. For a while now I have been feeling like a failure and all because I don’t meet their targets.

Boycott companies that harm our planet!

Why we should boycott…

I have a serious bee in my bonnet. Big multinational companies that are responsible for several brands, but do not think that they have any responsibilities for the world in which they function. Big multinational companies who think that they have the right to pollute the earth and to take the lives of the thousands of animals on which their products are tested.

The only way to hurt companies like these is to start boycotting their products. I blogged the other day about whispers combining together to make a great shout. The same is true here. The more and more people that take the step to boycott these companies and their products, then these companies will have to accept that there is something wrong and to change their behaviour. You have to start giving a crap people, you really do. Before it’s too late.

Why boycott Procter & Gamble? The main reason is that they sanction animal testing on their products. I’m trawling the Internet to find evidence for you, but a lot of the stuff I’m finding is from PETA and I refuse to cite lying, murdering scumbags as evidence. The first link does have its top paragraph from PETA, but that can be ignored as the rest of the article makes some very valid points…

Boycott P&G

This archived page from Uncaged puts into words the reasons why you should boycott Procter & Gamble far better than I ever could…

More reasons to boycott P&G

More from Uncaged here…

Uncaged info

Also here…

More Uncaged info

A video on how boycotting P&G helps animals really shows how much impact you can make…

FB video

P&G claim they are trying to make alternative options to testing on animals. I am far from convinced…

P&G lies

Here is a list of P&G products, just in case you feel inspired to join the boycott…

P&G products

On to Unilever now. They are equally as scummy as P&G. They test on animals. They also recently caused a mercury leak in the Indian village of Kondaikanal. They are refusing to clean up that mess…

Unilever scandal

Both Unilever and P&G are responsible for the destruction of habitat for the obtaining of palm oil…

Destruction for palm oil

Here are a list of Unilever’s products…

Unilever products

Next I move on to Monsanto. They are huge promoters of genetically modified foods and the use of cancer causing neonicotinoids as insect killing sprays… (apologies, I know this article is U.S based but it makes excellent points.)

Why boycott Monsanto?

Oh, and shock horror – Monsanto run both P&G and Unilever. Even more proof, should it be needed that they have no ethics at all and need to be boycotted.

I’ll finish with Nestlé. They have had a longstanding scummy habit of promoting their baby formula over breast feeding and are currently bottling water in California despite the state being in the grips of a drought. They also are destroying rain forests for the acquiring of palm oil.

Nestle crimes

Finally, a list of Nestle products for you…

Nestle products

Yes, this post may be a little long winded, but this is something that I feel passionately about. Fighting this cause can give me the energy to fight my rising tide of depression.

Paranoia the destroyer…

Yes, I know that is the title of a song by The Kinks, but that is exactly how it feels right now. I am so paranoid right now,mot is eating me up from the inside.

I know that people will say to me, “Don’t be silly” and other such platitudes, but I cannot shake the feelings that are eating away at the corners of my brain.

i can hear all the horrible things that my ‘father’ and my ex said to me and I’m convinced that everyone that I care about can hear them too. With every flashback the words get louder.

I am convinced that I am a worthless piece of crap and that people know it and are talking about how stupid I am. It feels so horrible. I can’t stop crying and I feel physically sick pretty much all of the time. Paranoia… it truly is destroying me.

Regarding the death of Colin Fry…

Today, the medium and psychic Colin Fry died of terminal lung cancer. Today, I don’t think I have ever been more disgusted by people’s attitudes towards mediums than I am right now.

I have read some utterly foul and disrespectful comments regarding Colin and his occupation. Whether or not you agree with / believe in psychics, you should not be leaving the foul and disgusting, disrespectful comments that you are under news articles or Facebook posts.

Whatever your opinions, you should be thinking that a human being has lost their life and a family have been left behind, devastated and grieving. Seriously, show some compassion you morally bankrupt excuses for human beings. It’s easy to hide behind your keyboard and be hateful. Act like a person for once in your life and show some compassion.

Morning trauma.

This morning I had to leave the house and go to the local hospital for an investigative procedure. I had a horrendous night last night and didn’t fall asleep until around 1.30am. Then I woke up at 4am. Not cool at all. My agoraphobia kicked in and from last night I was sweating and shaking.

A hefty dose of Valium this morning and my carer was able to drag my sorry ass into the car. All the way there I was crying and chewing my fingernails.

Once we arrived at the hospital things got worse. I have severe haphephobia and realised that I was going to have to be touched. I was a total wreck.

But you know what? I got through it. I’m back home with a cup of tea and I’m gradually calming down. I am really very proud of myself!

This is why my kitty stays indoors.

My youngest son has just been to me in floods of tears. One of his best friends had a lovely wee kitty. He had been let out after his lunch and had been hit by a car. He died on his way to the vets. Im shedding a few tears too. It is heartbreaking to hear of any animal going over Rainbow Bridge.

I did a little bit of digging around and I read that somewhere near 250,000 cats are killed on Briatain’s roads. Then you have to think about the number of cats that are kidnapped, poisoned, shot or otherwise deliberately injured by someone. Yup, it happens folks.

This is precisely why my puss cat is an indoor kitty. I can keep him safe.

Journey well Fergus.x

A whisper can become a shout.

Yesterday I blogged about PETA and the fact that they are morally bankrupt murderers of thousands of perfectly adoptable pets.

I’ve had people say to me, “But who is going to listen to you? You are one little voice. Just a whisper. How can you make them hear you?”

That’s an easy one to answer. You simply have to look for people that share your views. Then once you find them, they will bring their friends that share the same views. Before you know it, your voices bind together and a whisper becomes a shout. A shout that PETA cannot ignore!