This is a very difficult blog for me to write. Talking about friendship (and my lack of it) has always been something that is very painful for me. As long as I can remember, I have never had many friends. I have always been the unpopular kid on the outside of the circle looking in. Certain people in my life have conspired to keep it that way to make me easier to control and abuse. (For certain people, see “father” and “ex-husband”). They have, between them, destroyed my ability to behave properly around people that I do manage to make friends with. That fucking hurts.
Then I manage to break free of my “father” and his toxic influences. I took the decision to cut him out of my life and I have never once regretted that. His years of physical and mental abuse are over in all but my head. There they are alive and unwell. Cutting all contact with him is something that I will never regret. I will never forgive him for what he did to me. What he did, no father should ever do to his daughter. My ex-husband was an almost carbon copy. I didn’t see it until it was too late and I was under his spell. I fell for that man with all of my heart. My mother was dead, my “father” was abusing me and I desperately needed someone to look after me and love me for me. I met him, and for the first six months, he treated me like a princess. I fell so deeply in love with him, I could not have walked away from him if my life depended on it. Which it turned out that it did. I was 19 years old and so hurt and confused, I believed everything that he told me. Then slowly, once he had me, he began to change. Within the year, his mental abuse was consummate and he had me destroyed. I was fat, i was ugly and I was stupid. I still see that to this day.
Then came the physical and sexual abuse. It was like being back with my father all over again. It is easy for people to say “Why didn’t you leave him?” They were not in my shoes. He had me believing that I would never do any better. I was dirty goods and nobody would ever want me. He was the best that I would ever do. I married him thinking that things would change. They got worse. The only good things that came out of it were my children.
I can’t talk about a lot of the abuse. the words just stick in my brain and I can’t get them out. It just hurts too damned much. Things got worse and worse. Then he started to hit the children too. One day he threatened us all with a machete. He told us he was going to kill us all. That was my push. We ran. I took my children with just the clothes we had on my back and we ran, leaving everything else behind. I thank the goddess for my only friend. I can’t name her here, but if she reads this, she knows who she is. She took us in. She saved our lives and helped us to get accommodation. I owe her everything.
I went through hell to win safety and freedom for myself and my children. But I won. I stood up to the bastard who told me I was a weak piece of fucking shit and I kicked his fat, alcoholic, violent ass right to the kerb.
But I digress. Back to friendship and my ability to suck ass at maintaining them. I suffer with severe depression an the only place I have to release that is on my Facebook page. I post a lot with regards to how shit I feel and I learned that it drove one “friend” away. Deleted and blocked for no apparent reason though. No explanation given. Then some women that I had grown close to during my difficulties in the final two months of my marriage have also turned on me. They are not mean to me and they have not blocked me, but they barely respond to me anymore. They, it seems, are sick of me too. It would be nice to have been talked to, so I could have adjusted my behaviour to make them happy but I guess it was not to be.
Then I become friends with someone on Twitter. Over the course of a couple of nights we talked a bit and I got to like them a great deal. Then all of a sudden they block me. This left me devastated. Not again! Please not again. From what I can ascertain I am guilty by association. Turns out that I was following somebody that they had issues with. I did not know this person. He followed me first, and I only agreed to follow him after a while as he made one or two posts supporting LGBT rights. Once I read the tweets that had caused that day’s issues, I unfollowed this person immediately. But that it seems is not enough. I remain blocked. I have again been denied the chance to make things right and prove I am not what people think I am. All I want to do is be able to talk to this person and put my side of events to them. If they don’t want to associate with me after that, then I respect their decision. But one of my rapists will be free soon and I need all the support I can get. I’m falling apart here and keeping it together is getting harder and harder.
Now I am left with my true friend. She is my world and I am thankful for her friendship every day, without her I would not be here today. But I seem to be so unable to make any other friends. I just drive people away, even if it is by a poor choice in who to follow. All I want is to make things right. But I can’t. My bullies and abusers were right. I am a pathetic piece of shit and I do not deserve to be alive.
I’m so sorry for this miserable diatribe, I really am. I needed to get it down.